Building Trust - Lesson 1

Hello and welcome to the Foundations of Trust course. I'm Dr. Chuck Coker and I'm going to be your host today. And what I want to share with you today is how our individual uniquenesses can actually impact whether other people trust us or not.

And as we begin to delve into those uniquenesses, I'm going to give you an understanding of what you can do to adopt and increase the level of trust and increase the level of ability to bond with other people much more quickly. So let's see what we're going to cover today. First, we're going to talk about understanding the psychological roots of trust.

Where does it actually originate? Then we're going to move into how you can learn about individual trust-building skills based on your personality. Then finally, I'm going to help you develop a plan of trusting relationships that will carry you through whether it's personal, ministry-related, or professionally. So let's deal with a few questions first.

Why should we even study trust? Because it's at the root of all business and ministry relationships, not the least of which is our marriages and with the people that we love. Trust creates dynamic, productive ministry workplaces. You see, workers at high-trust ministries are 50% more productive and they're actually 76% more engaged.

When you think about what Gallup says about how often employees are actually engaged with their companies, it's actually ticked up the past two years to a whole 35%. You and I both know that those of us in ministry are held to a much higher standard, so the engagement level must be higher. So let's get it up to that 76% where we can find the people that come to worship and come to study scripture with us can actually be engaged because they trust us.

Most importantly though, trust offers a competitive advantage. Peter Drucker says this, culture eats strategy for breakfast. In other words, we can have the best sermons, the best worship aspects to our ministry, but if people can't engage with that and feel the culture of love and a culture of trust, they will never accept the message that Christ has given us to share with them.

So why don't we hear more about trust? Well, first of all, it's hard to see. Second, the trust distrust paradox tells us that if there is no trust, no one will feel comfortable saying it. In other words, if there's distrust or disengagement in a ministry environment, people won't let you know, they will just slowly leave.

And with the turnover that we see in ministries, and you've heard it in my previous lessons, 70% before five years turnover from the ministry, we have to focus on something that people don't want to talk about. So trust is critical. So we have a solution though, and that's learn what trust is so that we can recognize it and build it within our organization.

So let's think about this. When you decide whether to trust or not, what questions do you ask yourself? Well, is this person on my side? Do they have a good heart? Secondly, is this an honest person? And do they really mean what they say? Or third, does this person have a good track record? Are they actually capable of following through on what we have shared with them or what the ministry requires? So we have three separate areas that we want to focus on when we're talking about building trust. So let's think about this.

If we are going to trust or not to trust, we have to understand the sources of trust and the sources of distrust. So let's go back to the beginning. Yes, all the way back to the very first people that God created, Adam and Eve, and all of those people that we know as the patriarchs.

You see, all of us have those same ancestral instincts that were born in Italy to people. Let's talk about each one of those three ancestral instincts. First of all, there's the whole concept of power.

Should I fight or should I fly away? Second, is there warmth between people? Are they a friend or are they a foe? Thirdly, is there presence of the individual? Are they focused on us or are they actually distracted and is their mind going in a different direction? So from those three things, we can identify that they fall into three different categories. Interpersonal, is this person on my side? Are we communicating? Are we connecting? And are we able to get our point across in a way that makes the other person comfortable? Secondly, is the intrapersonal, within yourself aspect, and does the person actually mean what they say? Is their head in the game? Are they going to be the same person each time that you meet them or are you going to be guessing every time that you come in contact with them? Third, is what we refer to as an application-based aspect of trust? Is this person competent and capable and are they willing to put trust into other people? So let's break each one of these three dimensions down because if you understand them, you will be able to learn to regulate. Just as we have talked about in our behaviors and our mindsets, we can actually regulate the way that we present ourselves to other people.

And when we do that, we're executing a higher level of emotional intelligence and we're building a relationship of trust. Because without trust, we will not build engagement, we will not build warmth, and there will not be a healthy atmosphere. So let's talk about this interpersonal dimension.

What is the key trait that we actually want to communicate to a person? It's warmth. Do I feel comfortable around you? Am I in a place or a position to where I can take a deep breath and say, "I can be myself"? How many friends do we have that we can take that deep breath and say, "I can really be myself"? And if you can't, you don't have to worry about that innate question: is this a friend or is this a foe? Because when we are in ministry, most often we find that others can be critical when our teams are facing deadlines or challenges. And if that warmth is not there, then what do we do innately? We go to the critical or the negative side.

That's why if you search the gospels, you will find that the ratio is 10 to 1 of Scriptures that are encouraging or talk about the fact that Jesus healed them, Jesus encouraged them, and there were positive things. Why? Because psychologists tell us that it takes that 10 to 1 ratio to make a person feel comfortable rather than torn down. We also know that in ministry, we have to build it by focusing our team and the people we minister to on common objectives.

There has to be something that we have in common. If we don't have those things in common, people can't relate to us. So, there is a significant problem in this particular dimension of interpersonal relationships that we have to make very sure that we focus on.

And that is that people may question the person who's communicating, the speaker's sincerity and wonder about the purpose behind what they say. "Am I being manipulated or am I going to be related to in a way that actually is truthful and I can wrap my head around it and make it my own?" So, moving to the intrapersonal dimension, there's a key trait of presence. Are we the same person today that we were yesterday? "Can you rely on me to be focused on our relationship or is their mind going someplace else? Are they distracted?" I can tell you one of the things that changed my whole perspective was with my first seminary professor.

I'll never forget Dr. Beck because when I walked into his office, I knew his telephone was off. I knew that the door was shut and on the backside of that door was a sign that said, 'do not disturb.' Why? Because he was focused on me.

He was there to invest in me and help me grow and develop. And one of the first things he said to me was, "Chuck, this is not about passing a test like you took when you were in college. This is about learning and ingesting the material and being able to apply it through the Spirit's direction rather than your direction."

So, when we think about moving into our workplace ministries, we have to think about, regardless of whether we're pastors, elders, disciples, volunteers, whatever, that the most critical aspect of our focus needs to be setting that internal compass for the person that we work with and we have to build it by becoming reliable. We have to be the same person each time they come into contact with us. So, how can you tell if this is lacking? Well, people may begin to question whether you're going to stick it out when the going gets tough.

And when somebody has that kind of question about you, there is going to be a definite lack of trust. And if they don't trust you, no matter how much you quote Scripture or how often you try to do the right thing, there's always going to be a hesitancy of acceptance. Now, our third dimension that we did an overview just a few minutes ago on was the application aspect.

Because the key trait there is the power and the authority that rests in the person or the person that is going to be asked to execute what we're asking them to execute. So, the innate question that they're going to be asking is: "Is this person capable or are they actually unequipped trying to fake it until they make it?" So, these are questions that are going to build engagement with the individual. Because in your ministry workplace, the most critical thing we need to know is, is this person prepared and are they on your team to help you succeed? You see, that's what discipling is all about, is investing in another person and equipping that other person to become the disciple of Jesus Christ.

What did Paul say to Timothy? "Imitate me." In other words, "No, I'm not perfect, but at least understand what I'm trying to tell you because God has ordered our steps together for purpose and for reason." And if he hadn't ordered our steps together, we would know it.

We would be someplace else because there's something in the mentor, shall we say, that needs to be passed to the mentee to accomplish God's purpose. Next, we have to build what we have into cultivating a safe and supportive environment so that that person can relax, take the deep breath, listen and process what we're trying to communicate to them so that it actually becomes part of them. That's what the disciples did.

They began to emulate Christ. They began to repeat the things that he said to them and actually begin to apply them. Now, here's what I want you to know is that you can see that this is actually lacking in another person because people can get nervous whenever the ministry's goals need to be attained and they're not getting there.

So, think about this. If there's something lacking in this aspect of how we're supposed to do things, how we're supposed to approach things, they're going to question whether they should be trusting or not. So, as we've covered these things, I'm sure I've probably created a question for you. What kind of questions do you have at this point? 

Student: So, when you're talking about the intrapersonal aspect of that and focusing on the person you're with, is part of that also how you do that long term? Because with some people, they have had people in and out of their lives and struggle with trusting people whether they're going to be focused on them long term or not. Have you had that experience? 

Dr. Coker: Certainly. I think all of us at some point or another have that innate feeling that this person is trustworthy or not and a lot of it has to do with the way that we've been treating.

We go back to those experiences and we identify what kind of traits made us feel comfortable and what didn't. So, here's the thing that is important for you to remember is that we are each considered by God to be unique. Each one of us are kind of like a snowflake.

We're very, very unique. So, therefore, you cannot judge one person by another person's actions. When you do, you begin to pass on something that experientially may not have been healthy when you judge another person by someone else's actions.

I think the key is vulnerability. The Bible tells us that we are to be able to confess our sins one to another. Some people may not have the character depth to keep that within themselves.

If that is the case, you're probably not going to trust them to share or be accountable within the future. But you have to be in a position to where you use good common sense and identify the type of character in people that will allow you to be able to trust them. In other words, call a church.

Call your ministry leader. Do you know someone that has experience, that's older than me, that has the ability to give direction in a godly manner? So, in a previous lesson, I shared with you that we all need three different types of people in our lives. A student who can trust us.

A peer that we can interact with and be held accountable. But we also need that mentor. We need someone that can speak into our lives and give us guidance.

And, Ed, you're absolutely right. Experience can cause us and hold us back if we continue to look back. And I think Christ said to us that once you put your hands to the plow, don't look back because you're not worthy of me.

That means that we have to move ahead. But we have to use our head and use our wisdom and the Spirit of God's wisdom to find the right people to trust. 

Student: Isn't it also important to remember that long-term consistency is an important aspect of building trust with people that we're interacting with? 

Dr. Coker: Yes, absolutely. The one thing a mentor is not is they're not just a coach. A coach is there for a short project, a short interim period to get someone over a hump. A mentor is the type of person that's going to be there for at least a year or two or more.

They have to be committed and say, "I'm going to give the next year or so, Lord willing, to this person and invest in them and help them avoid the same kind of mistakes that I made." It's a long-term commitment and it's one that we must take seriously because I think the Lord will evaluate us based on what we invest in other people. 

Student: This may be something that you're going to talk about later on, but it's the old question of should a church fire anyone? Is the church a company or is it a family? My question is, if somebody simply doesn't trust the staff, is that one of the reasons that at the end of the day they have to be let go? Because without trust you don't have a functioning team. Is that accurate? 

Dr. Coker: Yes, I think one of the things that we have to understand is the Scripture tells us very plainly that there will be wolves in sheep's clothing. The Spirit of God is going to bring that to our knowledge. I believe the spirit of discernment is present in us.

It's much more strong in other people than it is others. But when we cannot trust a person, I honestly believe the spirit of discernment is at work in us. And if we don't listen to the Spirit, that wolf in sheep's clothing can have a significant impact.

And here's what I would say. There's an old adage, whether it be in corporate America or ministry, "Be very slow to hire, but very quick to fire." Especially if we see the signs of negativity, which can ruin a ministry very quickly.

And we see it in our society. I'm not going to quote names, but all you have to do is go back six months in the news and you're going to find areas of problems where either pastors or ministers or someone in a specific role of leadership had to be moved on. So I think the Lord will help us identify that, but we cannot and we should not hesitate to move on if we find those areas of problems.