Engaged Leadership - Lesson 4

Welcome back. We're in session four now of engaged leadership and this is a turning point for both the employee as well as the ministry leader that you're working with because what we've done is we've helped establish first of all your role and your propensity more as a leader or manager and how you can adapt. Last session we looked at the whole concept of trust because when your employees trust you there's a lot that can be done that can't normally.

So what happens when that trust gets stretched or you're at a high level of stress within the organization? Well the natural outcome is oftentimes conflict and what I want us to understand in this particular session is the fact that conflict is actually good. It tells us something wrong. So as we dig into this process what I want you to be able to see is that every single person has a mind map of conflict.

How it's going to occur and you can literally predict how they're going to respond during conflict and once you have that you put yourself in a position to where the trust that has been built doesn't need to be erased. It can be enhanced through the conflict process because wanting to avoid conflict is normal. Relationships get threatened when rising tension and adrenaline come up impacting our ability to reason but conflict can also have a positive outcome and we're going to give you the favored approach that will meet 80% of that almost every time.

Constructive conflict is a powerful powerful tool for building trust and developing your people within the organization. So why do we want to avoid conflict? Because that's what's normal. Well unfortunately 75% of us have that propensity to resist conflict.

So our goal in this session is to give you the tools that you need to use conflict to your team's advantage because conflict may be hard to deal with but it's not the end of the world. You see some people's conflict and the idea of conflict can be very negative. That hinders their ability to manage it appropriately.

So I think we need to take a paradigm shift at this point. We actually have to think of conflict as something that's helpful rather than a hindrance. Let's look at conflict constructively because that is going to help us focus on what we really need to focus on.

So let's talk about different statements that most people are going to encounter when it comes to conflict. Is conflict always dysfunctional? No, absolutely not. But conflict represents a communication breakdown and I'm going to take you through the stages as we go through this process so that you can see what is actually happening before conflict occurs.

Because not all conflict can be resolved but it doesn't mean that it's not going to occur and that it can be managed. So think about it this way. Conflict can actually help you build relationships and it can be a motivator for change but here's the one thing and the secret to tucking all of this away.

Conflict doesn't have to have winners and losers. It can be a collaborative effort that builds and develops your organization. So as you look at this next graphic I want you to understand that conflict contains valuable lessons that can improve your team.

Your success as a leader depends on taking advantage of these opportunities because let's think about the whole team development process. Teams develop in very predictable stages. The first thing is we're going to form a team.

We're going to bring them together to accomplish a very specific purpose and what we want to make sure that we understand is not their behaviors per se but their mindsets because in order to form a team properly they all have to want to go in the same direction. Now once we put that team together the natural thing is going to be storming. In other words we're going to have issues from time to time with other people on the team because they may think they're smarter, they may want to dominate the conversation, they may want to go in a lot of different directions but that is simply because of diversity.

We have to have different skill sets and mindsets on the team in order to have enough diversity to make sure that all the gaps are closed in the team development process. So that's naturally going to bring about that storming process but if we are engaged with each other and we have common mindsets that are going in the same direction what we can help each person understand is the fact that there is a way to norm the role that each person plays. Yes we have to have a strong leader but we also must remember that each person brings a specific skill set to the table and those skill sets are what is going to help us navigate through the challenge and the storming stage to get to a point to where we can actually norm this process and then perform at an extremely high level because that's the objective.

So that diversity in a team will have insight and areas of expertise that everybody the same doesn't simply work because when people are all the same or they've been hired in someone's image there's gaps and we can't afford to have gaps when we work together as a team. Getting to know each other and their differences is going to cause friction and I'm sure every single one of you at one point or another has met somebody that you immediately disliked. That's behaviors but behaviors are less important than mindsets because the mindsets have us going in a specific direction and if we're going in the same direction the good thing is is that we will adapt to other people even though they're different.

So as we think about that remember that diversity may cause conflict or initiate it but it's essential to the success of the team and let's focus then on what's really important and what is really important is that conflict helps us understand our personal objectives and our priorities and that may look different to each team member but what's going to happen is a fullness from this process actually is a critical component to bringing about the productive changes not just for this particular team's development but in all of life. Who do we have the most conflict with? Our family the people that we're around all the time but if we use it as a positive aspect we build our relationships we build our leadership and management skill sets and we can actually bring both organizational growth and health as well as family growth and health. This is not just something that we execute in the workplace and then go home because our identity is not in the job that we do but in Jesus Christ and when that focus is on who we are in Christ the other stuff begins to settle out and bring us back into a place.

Now let's talk about this whole concept of conflict is good. Yes it tells us something wrong but it also helps us manage change or learn how to use that self-regulative aspect that we have about us to move into different areas as our emotional intelligence increases. First of all that awareness has to be there but we can't regulate to where we're going until we understand how to make those steps understand those personal differences and become the leaders or managers that God has called us to be.

Organizationally, culturally, generationally for sure, behavior-wise, mindset-wise and the motivations that exist within us give us the ability to deal with diversity in the workplace in our homes, in ministry, wherever we walk and talk. So let's think about what are the different ways that we actually respond to conflict because when we understand that it gives us a massive edge for everything we're trying to accomplish. There is first of all a dominant approach.

This is where we go for the very first time. We will normally have that default response mechanism and a lot of it is based on our behaviors but the learn the nurture aspect of what we've learned can help moderate that. That gives us what we call a fallback approach or two.

Then we can identify those normal patterns once we understand them about ourselves we now have an ability to regulate. It's like the difference that we see in 1 Corinthians 2:14, "The natural man does not understand things that are spiritually discerned." So what does that tell us about us as believers? We have the Holy Spirit to discern the challenges that we're facing while we face them.

We don't have to rely purely on 20-20 hindsight. So as we think about that, let's help establish what is my dominant pattern and what are some of the fallback behaviors that I may use because each one has its place as we're going to see. You see some response styles are much more conducive to learning from conflict than others are but they all have a place.

That's the critical thing. So when we understand these response styles and those of the people that you work with, you have a key to learning how to deal with conflict and actually make it a positive experience. So let's break this down into very simplistic form so that we can identify who wins and who loses from conflict.

First of all, we're going to divide these into the five characteristics that I'd like for you to think about and we'll show you when it's appropriate but I also want to show you which style is going to work most of the time. So our first style is the assertive competitor and as you look at this particular graphic, it's going to help you understand who's intended to win and who's intended to lose. Now is it the way that happens every time? Not necessarily but for the most part, the assertive competitor says, I'm going to win.

We're going to do it my way. It's somewhat autocratic. Is it always the right thing to do? Of course not.

If there's a fire in the house, you don't want people to walk around and say, "Hey, you know, when you get around to it, you might want to get up and run out of the house because it's on fire." You're going to tell people to go but the antithesis of that is the avoiding appeaser. "I lose, therefore you have to lose also."

This is really not accomplishing anything because what we're finding is that an avoiding appeaser is not only not going to address the issue, they're actually not going to participate in the process. Third, there's a compromising negotiator where we both win but we both have to give something up and I'm sure if you've been on any plane or read through magazines, you've seen the art of negotiating and negotiating while a good way to approach things many times may not always be the best. Our fourth style is a cooperative accommodator.

"I lose but you win." Now, this is when you can identify what's more important and pick your battles. Lastly, we have a collaborative partner where we both win.

This is much more of an ideal situation because as I've mentioned earlier, collaboration with an individual during the conflict process can actually meet and solve 80% of the problems. So as we focus on this, let's take a look at this particular graphic because it will illustrate to you the two response modes that we have when we face conflict. First of all, are we going to be very assertive or are we going to be very responsive? And each behavioral style has a natural propensity towards that.

You can see that the assertive competitor is going to be that high D or a situational I or a very low SC. The collaborative partner is going to be a high IS and a situational DC. The compromising negotiator, the high I, but a situational DS and C. Cooperative accommodator is high SC, situational I, and a very low D. Last is the avoiding appeaser.

A high IC is obviously very non-confrontational and a situational S and low D will not want to respond. The low D because they tend to be indecisive and the situational S to where they don't want to be viewed as either competent, incompetent. So behaviors are that knee-jerk reaction.

But let's talk about the learned behavior and as we get older we'll see that the learned behavior really focuses in much more strongly as life moves along. So the assertive competitor is a person who is high individualistic with a strong traditional and utilitarian mindset or a very low aesthetic. The collaborative partner, on the other hand, is situational theoretical, aesthetic, and individualistic with high utilitarian and social and low traditional.

Our compromising negotiator will be a high social with a situational, utilitarian, aesthetic, individualistic, and traditional and probably low theoretical because of their knee-jerk reactions. The cooperative accommodator will be low individualistic with high social, aesthetic, and situational theoretical and traditional. But if you are that avoiding appeaser in one of these steps, the low individualistic and utilitarian along with a very high social and aesthetic and situational traditional and theoretical will cause you to hesitate or pull back.

So I went through all of these because I want you to think about this as we move through. The more assertive you are, the stronger you're going to be to push. But we're going to make some mind maps as we walk through this and help better understand.

And the way that you can do that is, as you will see on the screen below, there's a link to the response to conflict assessment. And it will give you and or your team members this mind map so that when you approach them during that storming phase of building your team and your group together, you'll be able to understand how they're going to respond. So the natural question that many of you are going to want answered is, so should I always be a collaborative partner since 80% of the challenges that we face can come through that? Not necessarily so.

Finding a win-win situation for every set of circumstances is simply not possible. Secondly, we should learn not to default to being one specific type. Win-win solutions occur more often than not as a collaborative partner.

And if we don't take a collaborative approach first, we might not even see a way to win-win when there is a solution that actually exists. So being collaborative off the bat helps build trust that we worked hard to form in our previous session. And if they have that trust and respect for you, then you have the ability to make progress.

But here's the thing I want you to remember. Even if your strongest skill is not collaborative partner and it's not your dominant approach, you can still learn to be one by asking questions rather than making statements as we mentioned in our last session. So being a collaborative partner is usually the best choice.

It's the one that we should try to default to most of the time. Because win-win situations aren't necessarily possible. Perhaps compromising is necessary.

Maybe one person has to lose. But these situations are the exceptions, not the norm. You may find that another approach is more appropriate.

So let's talk through each of those approaches and identify when it is more appropriate. First of all, is there really a time when being and avoiding appeaser is appropriate? When we should actually walk away and not add something? Well, of course, when other people can resolve the conflict more effectively. Second, both parties see the issue as one that's not so important.

It's one of those things where we choose our battles. Third, the negative impact of the situation itself may be too damaging or costly to both parties involved. And last but definitely not least, is there additional time required? And if you're dealing with a strong SC type group, you're going to need to know that extra time is often going to be necessary.

So let's think about moving along that response scale to the cooperative accommodator. In other words, "You win, but I lose." When it's more important to preserve the relationship than argue about the issue.

You see, there are times when the issue is more important to the other person than it is to you. There may also be times when you want to project yourself as someone who's very reasonable and being willing to work with you. And in those cases, being that cooperative accommodator is critical because you want to express and encourage others so that they see that their point of view has value and you want others to learn from their own choices and actions.

This is oftentimes one of the key elements when we think about empowering our employees. Now, let's move on to that assertive competitor where we've got a lot of assertiveness and very little responsiveness. The assertive competitor says, "I'm going to win, you're going to lose."

But is this really relevant? Yes, at times in emergencies when quick, decisive action is needed and situations where unpopular changes need to be implemented. You see, many people on your staff may not understand the dynamics of finances. They may not understand the dynamics of space and volunteers that are there and available.

And we may have already tried something in the past that has not worked. And since they're new, they never really see those methods and cannot relate to them because it's something that they are not experienced with. Fourth, when might another style be better? Well, if it's a style like compromising negotiator where you both can win, but you both have to give up something, is when you're trying to reach an agreement between both sides that have equal power.

You see, many times there's common ground for both parties, but there are also ways that we must give up a little bit to get to that common ground. And in those cases, being a compromising negotiator is going to achieve a temporary settlement in complex matters. And reaching that solution under difficult circumstances really helps or where you have time pressures.

But the important thing is for you to maintain personal objectives and preserve the relationship too. Because even if you win the argument, but you lose the relationship, are you really better off than when you started? So let's think about the benefits of actually being a collaborative partner. Well, first of all, it's actually going to preserve the objectives and the relationship.

We have to look past our disagreements and focus on the common ground so that our ministry can move ahead and have success. We have to literally merge the experiences that we come in contact with, because diversity helps make our group better. It makes our group deeper, and it gives us more options on how to approach things to find viable solutions.

And that alone is what will increase and develop the success of our ministry. Thirdly, I want us to think about exploring creative alternatives. And it's oftentimes the leaders of the particular group that have a set mindset that want to go in one direction and one direction only.

We need those creative ideas to reshape and refocus the direction that we're headed in. And we can't do that if there is a fixed mindset in place with the leadership and the people involved in the organization. Next, tackling unresolved issues helps us identify the stuff that's kind of underneath the surface.

And it may actually be stunting our team's growth and development. You see, bad experiences with conflict can actually deter us from trying new approaches and then managing those new approaches. What we often don't realize when conflict begins, it's coming in hot.

Our emotions get accelerated, our heartbeat goes up, the adrenaline increases, and our cognitive ability goes down. So if you change your mindset that conflict is good and that it's an opportunity for growth and development, you can begin to understand it in the early stages. Now, let's talk about the different stages of the conflict continuum because what you're going to see is half of conflict is already a problem before you even know about it.

So let's look at the graphic that we have here. In the conflict continuum, conflict begins in one person's mind where they misunderstand something. That misunderstanding will actually cause them to form an opinion about what needs to be done or what was done wrong.

This causes the individual to make an assumption and actually breeds internal discord before it's public. And that's a scary thought because if the person is already amped up, before you try to collaborate with them, it's going to make things a little bit more challenging. When the conflict becomes external, we have disagreement.

Disagreement will often lead to relational breakdown. And if there's not someone there to mediate that process, then we end up in all-out war. And we can't afford to have that in ministry because when that happens in ministry, it's like moving from denomination to denomination.

There's going to be differences and we can't major on the minors. So conflict gives us a real challenge, but it also gives us an opportunity. The challenge is how do we actually de-escalate this process so that we can make progress? But the real opportunity is when we solve these issues, it actually gives us better engagement with the people that we're working with.

Recent surveys have told us very definitively that almost 70% of companies across America and Western Europe have a negative customer service image. But the 30% that remain are the people and the organizations who have actually gone through challenges, met those challenges, and solved them in a productive way for the customers. And their customer service scores elevate extremely highly.

And in ministry, it's the same thing. If we are there to help meet needs and focus on what's truly important, and that is the individual's needs, then we are able to make that conflict work for us. That's why we need a healthy attitude towards conflict.

We have to look from different angles. We have to focus on issues rather than personal feelings. And as a quick rabbit trail, this is what I tell all couples that do premarital counseling with me: "If you can't learn to focus on the issue instead of the personality, your marriage is going to have a very difficult time." Your relationship with your team members are going to have a very difficult time. And your relationship with customers or volunteers are going to have a very difficult time.

Think about it this way. In 1 Peter 3, we see that when there's animosity between a husband and wife, our prayers are hindered. This should give us an overall structure when we look at conflict to resolve it.

That's why it says don't go to bed angry. Resolve it. Why? Because when you're of one heart and one mind, your prayers are not hindered and your personal feelings do not generate emotional responses rather than objective responses.

Lastly, we have to focus on learning and what you can gain from the situation because there's different ways to respond to conflict. And if you look at the graphic that we've got on the screen now, you'll see that the difference between a healthy response and an unhealthy response is this. A healthy response is we focus on issues, not the person.

We drive personal and professional growth rather than emphasizing our superiority and your subordinates as a leader. We ask questions rather than making demands. We wrestle with different opinions rather than assuming I'm right and you're wrong.

We create unity through clarity rather than making division in isolation. Let me give you a quick thing to think about as you walk through that. A friend of mine once told me this statement that makes so much sense: "Clarity trumps persuasion." If we are clear and we help another person understand, we don't need to persuade them because they have an opinion, they have values, and they will want to focus on what they believe is important. So when you're having challenges and you feel like the conflict has escalated to a point of anxiety for you, make sure there's clarity so that you don't have to persuade or sell the person on your particular stance.

So as we think about how to approach conflict, what kind of words would we actually want to use or phrases to use an approach to approaching conflict constructively? What I have found is often the best way to start that is by asking a question to the individual. "You know you've brought up this area that seems to be a challenge. If you were in charge, what would you do?" Or "Have you ever experienced anything like this in the past? If so, how did you handle it?" And last, perhaps another way to approach this particular type of conflict is, "What are the one thing we don't want to do in dealing with this particular type of situation?" That helps you address conflict constructively rather than under a high level of stress.

Now, let's look at the other side. What words or phrases would you avoid to keep responding unconstructively? "Well, I'm in charge here so therefore I make the decisions. You can either go with it or you can quit." "This is the way we've always done things and we're not going to do them any differently just because you want them to." Moving away from that strong autocratic type approach is going to allow you to move in a much more collaborative manner because we need to see things from different angles. If we don't see things from different angles, we are going to miss probably some of the best information that's available from our employees.

Those employees do the job every day which you may not. They may see things that you don't see and being more collaborative will allow you to bring those ideas, thoughts, and even creativity to handle. So, what must you as a manager be concerned about? Openness in conversation so that before it gets to that disagreement stage where it's external, the person comes to you and says, "I think we have a potential issue. Can we head it off before it becomes a real problem?" 

Lastly, where is the overlap in these concerns? Well, first of all, I don't know too many people that really want to argue their way through a day. They want to either be collaborative or at least negotiate their position as they move through. Again, the collaborative approach rather than directing, facilitating, rather than arguing, collaborating.

Only then will you be able to use conflict to your advantage. And remember that healthy, constructive conflict is not only the beginning of wisdom and understanding, but it is also the accelerator of your growth, your development, and achieving the mission that God gave you in your ministry. Now, if you find these five concepts of trust intriguing to you, and you really have a desire to build trust within your organization, I hope that you'll look below this presentation and you'll see a link to our online trust course.