Spiritual Abuse - Lesson 2

Spiritual Abuse

Dr. Gerry Breshears

co320-02

Symptoms of Spiritual Abuse

Lesson Transcript

So how in the world do we recognize spiritual abuse? Oh, the problem of it is, of course, is that when somebody is being abused, they don't know it. Because part of the control and part of the manipulation that happens is the person is really believing that they're serving God in the. The abuse that's happening is often in the context of. Being presented as if you have sin in your life. You are a weakness in your life and we're going to help you deal with it. But you always find yourself being put into that spot where you're you're the one who is defective. You're the one who is submissive, how it comes out. So some questions that I use. Just to try to help people understand when they're in an unhealthy church situation, which may become an abusive situation. So I ask questions like this. Do you hate church but are afraid to say so? Amazing how often people go to church and hate it, but they can't see it because it's so, um, spiritual. Do you feel really guilty if you miss a service? Now, I do believe you should go to church. I really do. And if you start missing church, I think you should feel guilty. Yeah. But there's a different kind of thing when you're in a bad situation. Unhealthy situation. Your status before God depends on being there and smiling at the pastor when he preaches, so he feels affirmed in what's going on. Do you find yourself giving time and money so that you'll get God's blessing? Do you find yourself giving time and money to the church so that you can receive God's blessing? Now, here's the way it works out. Deuteronomy 28 is the passage in Scripture where it talks about blessings and crossings in the Mosaic covenant.

And in that thing it talks about if you obey, you'll get blessing. And there's a number of specifics. And if you disobey, you'll get coerced. And there's a number of curses in all that. You read that for your own thing. But what happens is people take that kind of a concept. Obedience leads to blessing. Disobedience leads to cursing. And then what happens is your obedience is doing what the pastor wants you to do. You're no longer really obeying God. You're obeying the pastor. And disobedience will get you in trouble with God if you're doing it deliberately. But this is a different kind of thing. You're now being what the pastor wants. You have to increase your giving because the pastor needs a raise or whatever. So you start giving time and money in order to be blessed. If you have that sort of thing going on, you're in an unhealthy church, maybe an abusive church. The picture of God is really important. Do you find yourself thinking that God is just waiting for you to sin? I mean, God knows you're going to sin and he's going to be really disappointed. He'll be really angry. And he just waiting for you to sin because he knows you're going to mess up. If that's your picture of God, then you're absolutely in an unhealthy church and may well be an abusive church. I. Are you at a spot where I'll be punished if I make a mistake? I have to ask here. Oh, will you be? Is there a possibility that she'll be chastised by God if you deliberately sin? Does God deal? Does God chastise or discipline people who deliberately sin? An answer is Yeah. Read Hebrews chapter 12. A son whom he loves. He will discipline wine because he wants to mature.

And if we deliberately sin, knowingly and intentionally disobey God, we may well get his discipline. We may get his time out. We may get spanked. Oh. But this is different. Will I be punished if I make a mistake? And what happens here. A lot of times people use the definition of sin. Is sin as missing the mark. So I'm doing the best I can to hit the mark and I miss Bang, I get punished. No, no, no. That's not how they got works. But that's a control thing that's used and you find yourself. You can't make a mistake. You've got to do it absolutely perfectly. I'll be punished if I make a mistake. I or another one that comes through. I'll work harder so God will forgive me. I'll work harder so God will forgive me to come to the prayer when I know I'll be punished or make a mistake. And I'm aware that I'm a sinner desperately in need of God's forgiveness. And so the exploitive thing is I've got to work harder so God will forgive me. Now I think of Scripture and I think of first John one nine and I think there are, oh, if we confess our sin, God is faithful and just to forgive us, our sin and to cleanse cleanses from all unrighteousness. So what does that mean? It says, if there's sin in my life, I talk about it with God. He is faithful, stays and engaged His father. He is just. He never pretends like sin is okay, but his. Then what will happen is because of the work of Jesus Christ on the cross, he will forgive the sin and he will cleanses from the defilement comes from sin. Nothing there about working harder.

So God will forgive me. If we're a child of God. I know God is the one who is completely for us. One into some, be cleansed and grow so we can appreciate and inherit the blessings that he has for his family members. But seen as in an unhealthy church and abusive church, I have to work harder so God will forgive me. I have to. I have to give everything in order to get God's blessing. Those are kinds of markers that you're in an unhealthy and potentially abusive church. Another one is to put it in terms of Star Trek. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one. Yeah, I'm a Trekkie. I admit it. Can you know? Yeah. Here we go. I. But see how it's exploited, because what that means is that your needs need to be sacrificed for the sake of the needs of the organization. And that can be so easily exploited, so easily exploited. So there's are some kinds of questions that I find can be helpful in understanding what's happening with that. Oh. They're not foolproof, but they do help you find the feeling, those kinds of things, that you're in an unhealthy or potentially abusive situation. Some other kinds of questions. These are actually from Ronald and Roth that I've adapted a bit because I adapt everything just to think through things. But just some questions to ask about is now, this is not just for you, but this is if you have a friend who's in a church situation, couldn't go either direction. So the first question here does a member's personality generally become stronger, happier, more confident as a result of contact with the group? So first question does a member's personality generally become stronger, happier, more confident as a result of contact with the group? In an abusive church.

It's going to be the opposite kind of thing. You're going to use guilt and fear and intimidation to control people. And what will happen is people end up having a low self-image because they're concealing where of their sin is the one in spiritual authority abuses and exploits that person for their own domination. They end up feeling beaten down in legalism, and they have. They've been taught that asserting yourself is not godly. So the texts from Luke Chapter nine that we must deny or selves take up our cross and follow him, becomes a guide for life. That if you're not suffering, if you're not giving up things for the sake of the mission, for the church, for the pastor, that you're not doing the first kind of things. So the the disturbing characteristic of spiritually abusive churches is that change of personality in a negative direction. They're not feeling strong, they're not feeling happy, they're not feeling confident. They're feeling more depraved, more inadequate, more suffering as a virtue. So it's a first question that I find myself asking. Does a member's personality generally become stronger, happier, more confident as a result of contact with the group? A second question that's helpful to understand. An abusive church is do members of the group seek to strengthen their family commitments? Do members of the group seek to strengthen their family commitments? And what happens many times is in abusive groups. They will quote the statement from Jesus that says he who does not love me more than mother, father, brother or sister is not worthy of the kingdom of God. And in an attempt to free people so they can be exploited, they will undercut the relationships to family, to wife, husband, father, mother, other family members in order to can increase the control of the person within the group.

And this is particularly true in some of the cultic type groups, is that people be told that their parents have been abusive, inadequate, are not spiritual, and they need to come into the new family of the church in order to grow and that the leader will repair. And then. Church loyalty is the first order of business. Family loyalty is actually a hindrance. So I've seen many examples where a father or mother will spend more and more time at the church doing church programs, neglecting their responsibilities at home, because they see that as a way of getting God's blessing. Now, to be sure, there are people who put family too strongly there. But in this kind of things are actually undercutting it. So Luke 14, if anyone comes to mind, does not hate his father, mother, wife, children, brother, sister, even his own life, he cannot be my disciple becomes a manipulative kind of statement. A third question Does the group encourage independent thinking and the development of discernment skills? No. Again, I have to be careful this a bit. Does the group encourage independent thinking? We're in a place where autonomy and nobody tells me what to do is rampant in our society, and I'm not talking about that kind of thing. But independent thinking means that I think independently from the spiritual authority. So I'm looking for other kinds of input just in the pastor. And as I looking for discernment skills, seeking to understand the will of God, knowing that the spiritual leader is one key endpoint because control auditing leaders attempt to dictate what their members think. So in as it begins to become more egregious and I know examples of this, I. Oh, fellow, I know who was in a young church was the pastor, and he would sit down with every person who began a relationship, a romantic relationship, and he would shepherd them through it.

And if he did not personally approve of the romantic relationship, he would command them to stop the relationship and he would tell them, No, you need you this guy. You don't need to go with Jill, you need to go with Barbara. And he would direct their lives in a controlling kind of way. The pastor then is viewed as God's mouthpiece to tell them how to live their life, how to make financial decisions. And the the ability to have other kinds of questions to to conform is just so high. It's an evil kind of thing. It's just an evil kind of thing. Does the group allow for individual differences? Of belief or behavior, particularly on issues of secondary importance. I know. I think about this a bit. Does the group allow for individual differences in belief and behavior, perhaps? Well, one thing I've run across pretty often is views, say, on political involvement. When I look at my church, I it's a realistic factor that when I preach in my church, I know that I've got people who are full on almost socialist Democrats on one side, and I've got full on independent libertarian Republicans on the other side, and they're all sitting in the same congregation. Now, I absolutely have my views on the spectrum about where we should come out. I do. We control people's belief and behavior on those kinds of things. I come into theological issues, issues like the what Bible version you use. Issues like where do you stand on the date of creation? Issues like what's the relationship between a husband and a wife in the home, in their relationship as the husband, as head? Those kinds of things. In my judgment, there should be an openness for people to vary on those kinds of things within the church, within the basic biblical commands.

And what I find in in more abusive and healthy churches, you're not allowed to have those kind of differences of opinion. And that's really important to me. Are you encouraged to think well, but think collectively, not autonomously, but have differences in those kinds of things? I'm fairly famous for talking about Calvinists, who believe God selects, who's going to be saved, and our minions who believe that people get to decide for themselves whether they're going to accept Jesus or not. I am famous for being a cow minion. I think God works in different ways with different people. So every godly person in my church agrees with me that communion theology is the best way to do things. No, that's not true. Not even on the preaching team. I haven't made converts. And we have we don't have a full blown Armenians, but we've got guys that go that direction on our preaching team, leading team in our church, and we've got some who are disgustingly hard Calvinists and we. There's some tenseness there because they have pretty strong opinions. We work together really well and we don't find ourselves in a position. We're trying to control what somebody else is speaking when they speak from the pulpit. So that sort of thing should happen, in my judgment. You know, in a healthy church, an unhealthy church, you can only have one position and, well, the essentials of faith. Jesus is the only way to the father. I mean, we're going to stand strong on that. The marriage is one man, one woman, husband and wife for life. We're going to stand on that because that's clear in scripture. But how it all works out, there's can be quite a bit of variation on that sort of thing.

A sixth question Does the group's leadership invite dialog, advice and evaluation from outside the immediate church? Does the group's leadership invite dialog, advice and evaluation from outside the immediate church? So what happens in unhealthy congregations? You don't want anybody looking in from the outside because you want the freedom to dominate, the freedom to control, the freedom to direct, the freedom to exploit. Really. And if you're a healthy church, it seems to me you're working in a fellowship of churches and you're concerned getting input from people outside the church. As a seminary professor and a as a pastor of pastors, I'm often invited into church situations where they're dealing with difficult decisions or conflict in their leadership to be an outside arbitrator, an outside mediator, an outside facilitator. Churches that are doing things well are going to get audited regularly by an independent auditing. But seeing as you become more cultic, then those things are not there. We've got an internal group and they're really good at auditing and they take care of everything. Just trust them. Why? You just signed up for real problems. A healthy church is going to invite. That kind of evaluation. And we find that's not happening. Not that they're accepting the advice necessarily, but they're getting that kind of input. It's a much healthier church and we get away from that. You leave yourself open for the kind of abuse that happens in spiritual abuse. A seventh question. Does the group allow for development in theological beliefs? Does the group allow for development in theological beliefs? Do you get to grow and change as you learn and study, or is the only source of your beliefs? The Pastor. Or the elder board or the Sunday school teacher or whoever is the spiritual authority.

Does the group fill out for development and theological beliefs as individuals and also as a church? Because what happens is if you're, I think, living well in the world as a church, your theological beliefs are going to grow and change in healthy kinds of ways as we listen to Scripture more carefully. Or is there a set in place? This is what we believe and this is where we go to it. I was raised in a fundamentalist church as a kid, seventh grade through college. And there was absolutely no room for development. We had the truth. And when I started asking questions as a high school student. I found pretty quickly that was not allowed. And the result was that I kicked off Christianity. Now, it turned out it was kicking off fundamentalism. I just didn't know there was another brand because I had been in this for a long time. That's the kind of thing that I we need to get away from. We need to have a place that can grow and learn as they come in contact with other groups, other churches. And in that process, our faith, our group members encouraged to ask hard questions of any kind. Our group members are encouraged to ask hard questions of any kind. Now there's an attitude. Those attitudes should be asked, though. Those questions should be asked respectfully, to be sure. But what I'm thinking of here is do you have a situation where you can ask potentially embarrassing questions in a public setting and not be slammed for doing that? Not be asked. Not be accused of being submissive? Because when you can ask those kinds of questions, if they're real questions and done respectfully, you're in an unhealthy church and potentially an abusive church.

I ask the questions. I think every church should have an open record in terms of what is the earnings of the staff members. Now, that's a touchy kind of thing because some churches don't open up the salaries of individual staff members. And I personally think that that should be information that's available upon request. If somebody has reason to ask, I think the pastor salaries should be open for request. And as I've worked with abusive pastors, what usually happens is that the pastor or other staff member who's the abuser, nobody knows what his salary is. And when you get in really close and you start looking at it, you discover that he's making a lot more money than it appears. And it's often coming through secondary sources. Not the basic salary is the church's financial dealings, its legal obligations. Can you ask those kinds of questions or theological positions? Can I ask hard questions? Can I come and with respect again, ask, Why do you believe this? How do you understand this passage and not be put down as being un, submissive, uncooperative for doing that? I think those kinds of hard questions should be asked. I do. Members appreciate truth. This is the main question. Do members appreciate truth even if it's found outside their group? You're kind of funny. My church has everything. Truth? Other groups. Well, their second rate. No, that's ridiculous. That's ridiculous. Of course, there's places for us to grow. Do members appreciate truth if it comes from outside the group? Because in a cultic, abusive environment, the only source for truth is the pastor. Now, other groups may have truth, but then you come back to your pastor and you ask him, Is this true? If he says yes, then it's true.

Not because it came from somebody else, it's because the pastor is the. That's true. You're in an unhealthy and abusive situation when the pastor is the only one who can do that. Heard the elder board, whoever is doing that sort of thing. Oh, a 10th question. Is the group honest in dealing with nonmembers especially it tries to win them to the group. I the old famous bait and switch. When you're a new member, there's all kinds of cool things, but there's then there are kind of secret truce for the inner circle or obligations that are not upfront. It seems to me then the healthier place that new members in particular can come in and find out what's really going on. And it's not that after you're in and your loyalty is built, then you discover what's going on. Is the group honest in dealing with nonmembers, as are coming into the group? Now, these questions are not simple, but I think they're helpful. An 11th question Does the group foster relationships and connections with the larger society that are more than self-serving? This is again, this is a little bit hard to get at. Does the group foster relationships and connections with the larger society that are more than self-serving, cultic group abusive groups? I become almost always ingrown. So what can happen in many cases like that is that activities are done only by people in a church. Instead of going outside for Boy Scout groups or Girl Scout groups, you come to the church's Boy Scout group instead of. I, instead of going to a public school or Christian school, the church has its own school that you're if you're spiritual, you send your kids to that school. I and these kinds of things.

Is there an engagement with the people outside the group or are you drawn into the group exclusively? Because what we should do, I think, is we have a relationship with the people of the world who are coming out and we're doing business in the world in order to bless the world in the name of Jesus. Jeremiah, 29, has become a very famous thing, is to pray for and work in the culture. This talking about Jews and Babylon and pray for its betterment. And you come out and you work to serve the the group as a whole. And that kind of an attitude that says we're out here to serve the people, to love and serve, or are we coming in and forming walls around to be protected so we can be truly God's people? These are the kinds of questions that I find myself asking. Again, these come from Ronald and Roth, and I've adopted them a bit. But these are the kinds of questions you can use to try to get a handle on. Is a group a healthy group or is it a unhealthy group and potentially abusive group? There's no formula for it. There's no tried and sure way to do it. But these are the kinds of things we'll help you get a picture of what's going on. Good luck.