Counseling for Healthy Relationships - Lesson 5

Communication Model

Having a structure to serve as a model for communicating your needs and emotions of the moment helps you to communicate clearly and creates space to meet each other's needs by responding in love. It helps initially if you have someone to coach you as you work through the steps to help you stay focused on the current issue so you can identify and meet the need of the moment. 

Karl Elkins
Counseling for Healthy Relationships
Lesson 5
Watching Now
Communication Model

Communication Model to Help You Resolve Your Hurts

I. Review

II. A Couple’s Story

III. 14 Step Model of Communication

A. Warmup

B. Speak the truth in love

C. Discern

D. Understand

E. Validate

F. Request their feelings

G. Express your feelings

H. Express my feelings (for partner)

I. Confession

J. Choose to forgive

K. Change/repentance

L. Check Resolution

M. Zig Zag

IV. Example of how the pattern works

  • Dr. Parle introduces Dr. Karl Elkins and the class, Top 4 Aspects of a Great Relationship.

  • Love is meeting the need of the moment, not meeting a need with good intentions. All you have to do to upset someone is to lovingly meet the wrong need. You can only hit an emotional target with an emotional arrow. 

  • Acknowledge that you have needs and transfer the ownership of these needs into the hands of God, which is meekness. You and I have an emotional kettle that is designed to experience positive emotions. Over time, an unmet need is like a flame under the kettle, which results in the "pressure" of anger and hurt. Unmet needs lead to hurt, and hurt leads to disappointment and sadness. Empty the kettle of negative emotions and the positive emotions will come back.

  • Anger results when you are hurt and you cling to a right. Yield your rights to God and focus on your responsibilities. Learn to think at the need level, not the event level. If you focus on your rights it leads to an angry revolution. If you focus on your responsibilities, it leads to a revival.

  • Having a structure to serve as a model for communicating your needs and emotions of the moment helps you to communicate clearly and creates space to meet each other's needs by responding in love. It helps initially if you have someone to coach you as you work through the steps to help you stay focused on the current issue so you can identify and meet the need of the moment. 

You show love to someone when you identify the need of the moment and meet it. Mr. Elkins identifies and describes the top 12 commonly identified needs. He also suggests a pattern of communication to use to resolve a situation where one or more of these needs is not met.

Dr. Karl Elkins

Counseling for Healthy Relationships


Communication Model

Lesson Transcript


Bruce Waltke: Father, we thank you for this very ready access and to your presence made possible because of the work of the big in Christ. Thank you for your love that sent him to heal a broken relationship with you. Thank you that he came and showed your love to us and that he took our sins, identified with all of our sins took it upon himself. Because of him. We have the success. Thank you, Lord, that he was a healer of relationships. We recognize that the great problem we have is of alienation from one another. We sit in the garden of the. Thank you. That you send those to the church that help us to understand how to restore relationships and truth with your word. But credibility as result of this session of this case study, we may gain insights. It to how and to your. Desire to restore relationships. As a result we pray that we will have stronger marriages and marriages that reflect the gospel of Jesus Christ. We have a picture of the husband, the picture of the Christ who died for his church. And the wife is the picture of a church that is a submission to the husband. They would picture gospel questioning, you know? Thank you.


Karl Elkins: Welcome back. I'm Carl Elkins with Christ with counseling. And we're doing a four part series entitled Top Four Aspects of Great Relationships. In our first session, we talked about our need to really have God in these. We isolated 12 in our second session. What happens when the need alone is not met? It creates a kettle of hurt and we needed to tell. In our third session we talked about how it's hard to give to the kettle if we focus on it, right. So we need to heal our lives, focus on our responsibilities. And in this session, I'd have to say probably what most of my clients say has been the most helpful. It's a communication model that will actually help couples resolve their hurts. And it's amazing how there's 25 biblical aspects in this model that we probably won't have chance to refer to all the verses, but I want you to see it all come together with a couple now and help me do that. I have some good friends of mine, Mandy and Jason Willingham, who have been clients and they volunteered to do this. They've got a powerful story and a powerful ministry of how they've used some of these principles to empty their kill and grow closer. So I'll turn it over to you guys.


Jason: Do you want to start?  Well, like this, Dr. Carl says we we started out as a client, both Mandy and I, high school sweethearts. I prayed and found my bride early. Things were great. We have three beautiful children that are growing up now. But not long after Mandy and I had got married, I had started a business and we walked out into that. As well as growing up, Mandy's dad was a pastor and life was good. If you saw us from the outside, actually would think life was perfect, but it couldn't be. More opposite was the truth. We were dying a million deaths on the inside. Um, Mandy and I got into a place where we really had placed each other as God. So I was her God and she was my God. And when all of a sudden our God's ship started to fail us, then we started looking into other things. And that's when I really started focusing in on my rights and no longer my responsibility as a husband. So that's when I started looking at I work hard, I provide for the family. I do all the right things that a husband should do, that a father should do, but never really gotten past the surface level. So I started taking on the rights of what I should have. And as I did that, I walked out into the one thing I said I would never do, and that was have an affair. And as I walked out into that place, I made every argument I could in my own self how I was being done right, because everybody else was doing me wrong the first time. I'll never forget it. Mandy confronted me about the affair. Like before that I had prayed, God give me an out because I don't know how to get out. And so he showed Mandy to look at the credit card statements. Sure enough, I was calm. I was in this jury, I was convicted. There was no getting out of this. And it was a great thing. The next thing we know weeks later, we're before Carl. And I'll never forget what Carl said. Carl looked at me after I had kind of explained where I come from. How did I get so far? How did it go down this dark road? And he asked me. He said, Jason, where was the tree of knowledge of good and evil in the garden? I'll never forget that he was in the center. He said, So, Jane, what you have done is you've had a past by every blessing and provision of God to sin. And that's when I recognized that I had allowed the enemy to give me so self focus on my rights that I never could see the blessings that were before me every single day and my wife and my kids. And so that's we found ourselves sitting down with this model. This really it was not a model to us. This is life to us. Now you have the thing.


Mandy: Yeah. And so, um, yeah. So it was, of course, devastating to to me when I found out that I had just such a peace that the Lord was going to take care of this in the midst of it all. And I remember. Leading up to that, I had turned to this to the kids. You know, I took care of their needs. I was had just, you know, if I could just be a good mother. And I found so much joy and delight in that that I did. There were major areas where I had neglected as well. And so going I remember when we first went to go see Dr. Carl, I thought it was that million dollar herd he talks about in the $10 her. And I was thinking, I'm not owning anything because he did me wrong, you know, and going through the process, it was so good because when I saw that real repentance, forgiveness came in in my heart and I said, Oh, I was the same way. I was like, Well, I'm sorry I didn't pick up your dry cleaning and, you know, all of the things. And that's what we love with the model is that we often fall short of the glory of God. And when we realize that, then we can say, You know what my responsibility is to love in spite of how I'm being treated or what I'm being treated. So this has been so helpful and we've been able to share it with other people too, on just that gives hope. And I think that's the main thing, is that a lot of times in marriage you can get to this point where you feel really hopeless, like there's not a way out. And whenever you realize that there's biblical truths that you can apply that God has given to Dr. Carl, we've been able to see. But, you know, looking at the word and having this model, and so it's been a huge blessing for us. There's sometimes those areas that we're both just like, we can't get past this issue, and then we'll be like, We need to go to the model. You know, we'll pick it out and we'll talk to one another. And it's amazing how hope is restored and your marriage is renewed. And so it's been a huge blessing in our lives.


Jason: And I would say that the names are what have been incredible for me as a man. I always, always thought I didn't have any emotions or real needs. And so the only real emotion I would ever show was anger. And so for this to actually the model to show me that not only are emotions God given, but then I can actually communicate those to Mandy has been huge for our marriage and our life in general, because that's really entering into another one's world in that way. I know that I'm not some alien, you know, but I'm this is how God has created me to be so that I can actually communicate that with my wife. And so that's what's been a blessing for us to really does it, to really work that out the right way.


Karl Elkins: Well, have you saved up as many, many years ago? Since that time you guys have had a really powerful marriage ministry with dozens and dozens and dozens of couples. In fact, they actually shared their story in front of their church. And Mandy had talked about one of the things that was most helpful for her about forgiving was to invest into the life of your offender. She actually started to cycling the woman that he had been involved with, and she shared that and then asked the church if anyone needed to forgive someone. The police come down and we're going have an altar call. We're just going to pray for you. Half the church came to the altar. So we're excited to tell you some of the principles that they found helpful. And it's been helpful over longer time.


Jason: Yeah. Just to know everything all the time.


Mandy: All right.


Karl Elkins: Well, I want to take you through what we call a 14 step model of communication. And I encourage you to download this. This session will not make a lot of sense without the handout. Okay, so you got out of hand out downloaded from the little training website, and we're going to go right to this handout. Now, this is designed for those who have been involved in our 18 hour program, and you in the audience have only been here for 3 hours. And this is the fourth and final segment. So I have to kind of reference a few of the things. The first step here is a warm up, and the warm up is basically people commit to one of you like Christ more than deliver for the less of the hours lost to the first part of life. And secondly, they warm up by saying, I want to see ways that I'm not my Christ. Thirdly, I'm committed to focus on always on the high Christ before I focus on the ways my partner's not caught by Christ. The fourth form of step is a purpose to walk in the spirit by spirit sleep, breathing. That means we exhale soon and help spirit. This warm up step is really the last session. Yield your rights to God. Focus on your responsibilities, a purpose to do that. And then the sixth warm up serves a purpose to emotionally respond. And that's basically when your partner sorry, you want to express her as well. So I'm going to ask you guys to go ahead and do your warm up as quickly as you know how to meaningfully. In fact, can I leave you through a woman for a purpose to be like Christ or I want to see ways I'm not like Christ. You're welcome to use my spouse till we see the purpose to take the log out of my own or take the spec out of my partners. And, Lord, I can't do that in the flesh. The Holy Spirit come to convict me. Then he said that I need to confess. Or I may have some features that aren't being met to somewhat heal all those into your hands and focus on my responsible. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Six little more. I purpose to emotionally respond with my father's voice, or more than his prayer. I know. All right, So I'm going to walk them through literally the 14 steps, just as if we were in a counseling office. And it is amazing how when couples follow each of these principles, they are able to resolve conflict. Now, would you say that it was wooden when you first did the first 100%. And most people don't do it the second time because it seems so wooden. And I'll tell you, they will be very, very wooden. I want to teach you a skill. And then we had sincerity like the first five, six time to do it. It's going to be very, very wooden, but then you're going to catch it. There's a flow to it. You know, we could teach you a lot about tennis in here, but you're not going to get the swing of things until you hit a couple on the ball.


Mandy: Right.


Karl Elkins: All right. Gonna break it up. I'm really not interested in teaching the model that I am resolving her. All right, so we'll stop and start. We'll just reduce them up.


Mandy: Okay. Okay.


Karl Elkins: All right. You're warmed up. Your wife is hurting. Do you care?


Jason: I care.


Karl Elkins: Do you care enough to want to be a part of emptying the hurt you put in?


Jason: I do.


Karl Elkins: All right. Grab her by both hands. All right, stop. This is going to be one of the first things you're not going to do. You're going to take the shortcut. You're not going to hold hands. No, no, no, no, no. You got to hold hands because that's how it pulls them in close together. That's the most powerful position they're in. Close. Secondly, if he reaches his hands out to grab hers and she does this, was that her first steps?


Jason: Not that she's not there.


Karl Elkins: And then she's all man wants to hit him. She can't do that. If he's holding her hands over, security will take her, too. So don't forget this. And then you're going to be person one on the left side of the sheet here, which is we call the person in the hot seat. He's the one owning the way he's for her. All right. So let's start with step two. Oh.


Jason: Is there any way. All I see is a way I have hurt you that have not fully resolved where I try to.


Karl Elkins: Start compared to how he normally addresses conflict. Would that be better or worse prior to learning this model? Better? What makes this better?


Mandy: Well, it's sincere and it's to the point it lets me be real.


Karl Elkins: Yeah. Most people start with Sit down. I want to show how to anger me, but this is really starting with the longest right principle I want to have for you. Is there a way in which. Okay. All right. So he's asked, and now you're at step three. You've got to speak the truth in love. As the Bible says, it is a powerful way to say that. And I dare anyone to send me a tip on how to make this better. I've had 4000 people tweet this. I think we've got something really powerful. I call it the method formula, the next formula. I felt like my need for blank was not that I did blank. It would have been a lot to move you to show a little more blank. And then we give the definition, which we're not going to do on the film here. But I felt like my name for Blood was not that when you did like it would mean a lot to me if you showed more blank. I felt like money. Eve is event and see is character. All right, so that's how you have to share your heart with it. Just like that.


Mandy: I felt like my need for security was not met when we were talking with our daughter the other day. And you interrupted and corrected me. I wish you would have shown at this point. Yes. More meekness.


Karl Elkins: Okay. All right. So compared to how she normally shares her hurts with you, is that better or worse or about the same prior to learning this model?


Jason: So much better. So much better. All right. I did better. It identifies it for me because before she wanted me to read her mind and I should always read her mind. Now what she's doing is she's give me exactly what I did wrong. Yeah. In many times I'm I'm she's mad at me, but I don't know why that's out here. I know the why. So I can. I can address the why.


Karl Elkins: Yeah. All right. There's 50 reasons this formula is so powerful. Number one, how many events did she put on the table? One. Just one. Secondly, do you remember the event?


Jason: I do.


Karl Elkins: One specific memorable event is so important. If you can do it now, a lot of times for a man, ask his wife is a way of hurting. The wife is thinking, Oh my gosh, he's never asked.


Mandy: For that and.


Karl Elkins: Then want to vomit at all.


Jason: Yeah, right, right. I'll do that.


Karl Elkins: Now. It's the urge.


Jason: Yeah.


Karl Elkins: It's one specific, memorable event. Secondly, do you know the need of the moment that she had security?


Jason: Hmm.


Karl Elkins: He doesn't have to guess. Right? And I find the thing that helps me the most is if my wife tells me with care to quality, which I follow to show more of what a fixed it in this case.


Jason: She told Maintenance.


Karl Elkins: It's me.


Jason: Right?


Karl Elkins: Wow. Pretty powerful. Notice it was short or sweet too. Yeah. Sometimes when a man asks for anybody, ask the other person just rambles and rambles on about 2 minutes into his call. I forgot already. We'll talk with fitting. Always ask questions later. Clarification. So it's good to get it out short and concise. At the beginning. The next insight about this is to notice how he she could have said you didn't make money for security when you corrected me and you need to show more weakness. Well, every time you've used the word you like that, it's like a finger Pumpkin express.


Jason: Yeah.


Karl Elkins: It's easy to want to get defensive, right? But I like the definition of persuasion, guiding your truth around the mental roadblocks of others. And you did that when you said. I feel when you. It would have meant a lot to me. Right. All right. So you asked she. And she told you. And now we're at step four. And I want you to see that little thing on your handout says truth. On the left and on the right. And God in the middle. I'll draw that diagram a little bigger and expand that. You have to ask the Lord this question, Jason. Ask the Lord quietly in your own heart. Or is there any truth that I feel so perfect? Cross Christlike love to me. Mm hmm. All right. Between you and me, do you think there's any truth to what she said? 100% when you ask it that way. Isn't there usually some truth? Mm hmm. I mean, it crosses the standard. Chances are there's going to be some truth.


Jason: To that exact. But I want.


Karl Elkins: To point out that there's also error in what our partner says many times. Mm hmm. Now, if there's only 1% truth and 99% error, how much of the 1% discount hold us responsible for it? 100%? 100%. How much of that error just can't hold us responsible for it? None of that's true. Why on earth do we tend to want to go down that error first rather than the truth? You know, if I said to my my wife, who told me I thought my neighbor support was not met when he failed to take the trash to the curb last Thursday, they wouldn't know to me if he showed work. Inability. There's truth to what she said. There's air trash days. Not Thursday in our neighborhood. It's Monday. Yeah. But I don't think that a lot of. Yeah. So there's truth. Which part should I get out? And that's what's part of my flesh. Want to go that air? Don't you know trash days? Monday and not Thursday. Wouldn't that be silly to do if there's truth to what she said? You said you always take the log out of your owner before you take the speck out of your partner's.


Jason: Arm.


Karl Elkins: That shoots Now, then, and only then can you come over and take the step out of your partnership.


Jason: Right.


Karl Elkins: And for me, that might be wild. You're right. I did take the trash out. Would you please forgive me? And by the way, we do know Trash Day is not Thursday. It's Monday. Now, I would be careful with that if I just don't exhaust the.


Jason: Truth before.


Karl Elkins: You get on the air.


Mandy: Right. Right.


Karl Elkins: So if you get that the rest of this model really is a cakewalk. I'm just hashing out the details.


Mandy: Right.


Karl Elkins: But most people want to argue that air.


Jason: Exactly. Now, I don't know that was asked.


Karl Elkins: This really well. But Jason, you probably learned that What I mean by the truth, I mean a much broader category than I possibly know how to communicate. If you don't remember the event, you ask a lot of questions. Now, where were you? What did I say?


Jason: Right.


Karl Elkins: I don't remember that. But it sounds like something I would do. Hmm. So you can only. It just don't like that. I don't remember, but I think I wouldn't do that. If you don't remember, you don't think you would have done that? But can you think of a cousin hurt? Is this similar to the time where I interrupted you? Right at this other dinner party or whatever? Right. If you can't remember this person, you don't think you would do that? You can't think of a cousin hurt. The worst you can do or the best to figure out the best you could say as well. I would agree on three. That's wrong. So if I did it, please forgive me if I did it, because I would agree. In theory it was wrong if I did it and I don't think I did it. But it's pretty weak.


Jason: But it is. Yes.


Karl Elkins: All right. So, you know, there's truth. The rest is just hashing out the details. Now, when you asked, you said, is there a way I've heard that I'm not fully resolved. You gave it four things and then left for three things in the metaphor, the name of the event, the correct column. Which did you give first? The need? That's right. But you're going to clarify those things, but you don't clarify the need. First. You clarify the event first, because if you don't get the right event, which is often the hardest part, I can't get the right words carefully. Yes. So those are three different questions that are for if you use the definitions, which we're not going to do in our program. So clarify.


Jason: Okay. So are you referring to the time when we were talking to Ashton and I interrupted you as you were giving an example?


Mandy: Yes. Okay.


Karl Elkins: All right. Stop. Notice when he asked, he got a one word answer. That always happens when I stage a couple. It will never.


Mandy: Happen. That's true.


Karl Elkins: He'll say, Are you referring to the tower in orbit?


Mandy: Yeah. I'm not going to list all other.


Karl Elkins: Remember that this is where a lot of the vomit is kind of start coming out of the kettle. And. And I hate to tell you this, but you want it to come out. See the saying the kettle is the problem. You want that to stick out. Sometimes you just have to walk towards the buzzsaw and let all that stuff come out. Believe me, that's the best thing that could happen. Yeah, but you keep reflecting it back until you get an emphatic answer because that's her face and her pain, more or less receiving comfort. All right, so you clarify the need of the event. Not clarified me.


Jason: And you are saying your need for security was not met?


Mandy: Yes.


Karl Elkins: Correct. One word answer.


Jason: Go to the paragraph and you wish would have shown a little more maintenance, which means and that's one of the things that I have to say. The definitions you give. Yes. Helps me tremendously with the character qualities.


Karl Elkins: Yeah. I would encourage you to download some definitions of character qualities. The definitions can be very helpful, but in a short program like that, we're going to shorten that. Yeah, but thickness would be usually my rights to go.


Jason: Right.


Karl Elkins: Focusing on my responsible.


Jason: Right?


Karl Elkins: Yes. Okay. So you asked you share, you've now clarified, right? Would you say that you understand it?


Jason: Yes.


Karl Elkins: You know, it's amazing If you get these three or four things about to her, you can understand every her the exact you know, the need doesn't wasn't met. And the character quality, the definitions can be very helpful. Very helpful. You get those things. You can understand every single heart, 100%. Now, sometimes you don't get the right character called your own name, right? My wife had said, I feel a need for support or something, but when you failed to take the trash out, it wasn't a lot to me. You showed hospitality cheerfully. They're trying to change your shelter.


Mandy: Yeah.


Karl Elkins: I'm not getting.


Jason: That. That exactly it.


Karl Elkins: It's okay to question that respect.


Mandy: Yes.


Karl Elkins: You obviously have a reason for saying hospitality. Why didn't you say dependability? And if we looked at the definition of dependability, she would tell you probably right. Or sometimes she will correct me and say, well, no, it really is hospitality. It only happens on Tuesdays when we are small. Bird You're in there studying in a way. Let me have all the housework done in New York. Well, in that sense it really is hospitality. But what happens on Tuesday night tonight allows me to help out her in the study of the back study. So be willing to challenge or respectfully ask questions about the need to ask for clarification. All right. So now you understand, right? Yes. It is not enough that he understands it.


Mandy: That's the thing.


Karl Elkins: That's her answer and that's the next step. Validate.


Jason: I can see how that would have hurt you. And I would feel the same way, too, if I was talking to Ashton or our daughter and you interrupted and made me feel insecure and actually talking with her.


Karl Elkins: Excellent. Excellent. Now, that's how you validate 90% of the time. I feel the same way occasionally. You can't really say that and mean it. Yeah. So you might have to say, Well, I can see how that would hurt me as a woman. I can see how that would hurt me as a mom. I can see how that hurt you was. If you had a score to give to teaching or mercy or whatever, you can still validate it, even if you wouldn't feel the same. Right? Right. Okay. All right. Now we're done with the head. We're going to the heart, the emotion. Step seven. And there's one word in the handout that's important. What's the key word? Must be moments more. So he's going to say, Tell me more about how you feel. If he did not say, tell me more. He just says, Tell me how that make you feel. What's she going to say?


Mandy: Awful or just I wouldn't get it out. What? I really.


Karl Elkins: Yeah. Tell me how it makes you feel. I just told you have the words. You listen to me. That's the problem with.


Mandy: You, okay?


Karl Elkins: Now we're staging it. So you didn't. That's a lot, right? But at home, she would have Venezuela and she would say, I just told you what you just like. That's what's wrong.


Mandy: Exactly Right.


Karl Elkins: Is picky. Is it saying you have to include the word more and more about this cheat? All right. You asked ask for one more time.


Jason: Tell me more how that made you feel.


Karl Elkins: Great. Now this is the primary good value and I think you ought to let him have it.


Mandy: Okay.


Karl Elkins: But you got to share it in terms of your feelings, not his behavior.


Mandy: Yes.


Karl Elkins: The tendency is to say you were so rude, you were a jerk. Fewer domineering women are not. So I felt alone. I felt disrespected, often hurt. I felt unsupported. You can get away with a lot if you just start with I felt yes. So let him have it.


Mandy: Okay. I felt that I felt disrespected in a sense. But it it made me feel insecure that what I have to say is not important. And it made me feel like we didn't have peace in the home. And it made me feel that when we were trying to talk to her, I had, I thought, a really good point to make. And I am teacher get the in. So I really wanted I had an instruction that I thought would be important for for her to know so that she would understand that I know what she was feeling in that moment. So when you came in, it kind of made me feel like my feelings weren't valid in that place. And what I had to say wasn't important. And it made me feel then like I wasn't safe.


Karl Elkins: All right, all right. Now, this is on the script, but when you get a lot of emotion like that, see, that's the primary place you settle sitting empty. It's probably a good idea to reflect back. So you felt this. You felt that just to make sure she knows that you understand how that feels. So try to reflect back what she told you about her feelings. So you felt.


Jason: So you felt like you were really connecting with Ashton in a way that was really hitting the point and it was what she needed. But I was coming in and taking that away and then doing so, feeling like you had nothing to offer and really she couldn't receive. Is that what you were saying?


Karl Elkins: Okay, great. All right. So you understand it. And now you've heard how she feels. Now is step eight, where you're going to a nine. Were you going to tell her how it makes you feel? Now, here's what I do with my clients. It's a powerful thing if you can train yourself to think that. But let me ask these questions that I challenge you to ask on your own. But here's the first one. What do you think she felt that day? You interrupted her in front of Ashley.


Jason: She felt as if she didn't have a place. Yeah. So she heard her thoughts weren't right.


Karl Elkins: So that's what she's feeling. What do you think God may have been feeling for me in that moment? He looked down in her heart and saw that heart he put there. What would he be feeling for her?


Jason: He would be feeling her for her. Yeah. Yeah.


Karl Elkins: So she said for her. And he said for her it would be, of course. Okay. If you feel.


Jason: Safe, I feel safe.


Karl Elkins: So what do you feel for her? That you can't put the hurt in her? The one you vowed to let to get to?


Jason: I feel sad that I hurt you that way.


Karl Elkins: Yeah. No. By the way, this is where you tend to land your confession. She wants to see that he's broken and said if he were to say God herself, I was not to show weakness.


Mandy: Right.


Karl Elkins: Would you please forgive me, darling? Now she wants to send some sadness. And that's the God part that kind.


Jason: Of you do?


Karl Elkins: Yeah. And Corinthians talks about how godly sorrow leads to repentance. Total sorrow leads to change. So it's that sorrow that our partner just senses while they're really broken, they're really going to change. Right. All right. That's what you feel for her. And now you go to the confession stuck to.


Jason: Well, God has helped me to see how wrong it was. To interrupt you when you have something to give. Ashton. I can see how that hurt you. It makes me sad. Would you forgive me?


Mandy: Yes, I did.


Karl Elkins: Yes.


Mandy: Yes, I.


Karl Elkins: Bitter.


Mandy: Bitter? Oh, yes. Oh, yes. I forgive you.


Karl Elkins: It was actually healing for her to have to utter the words. Ah, yes. I forgive.


Mandy: You.


Karl Elkins: Yes, yes, yes. All right. We're not done yet.


Mandy: Mm hmm.


Karl Elkins: So under step 12, there's a sentence there that you've got to tell in your action plan. And the future plans do plan that result.


Jason: Mm hmm. Yeah. So in the future, I plan to. Or a purpose to listen and understand the situation and what it is that how God has gifted you to speak to Ashton and how that would be less quick to step into the situation and be more quick to actually listen and really understand what Ashton is receiving from you rather than what I think I have to offer. Hmm.


Karl Elkins: And then in that with the question, would that resolve this?


Jason: Was that resolve.


Mandy: This? Yes.


Karl Elkins: It did. You really nailed it. I would say a lot of times, though, 90% of the time, people hit it almost there, but they're not quite there. She said again, Yes. But once you also do.


Mandy: That well, I was going to say that actually. Okay. Oh, if you would, please. But come later to me and tell me when it is. So because I could be Yeah, I could be off or wrong on that. So in that place I would like instruction, but just not in front of this.


Karl Elkins: It's not a good clarification. That's why it's only action plan.


Jason: Question Yeah, it's not a.


Karl Elkins: Personal.


Mandy: Choice, right?


Karl Elkins: Yes. Okay. That usually makes the difference when hitting the $51 mark in the $50.


Jason: But on the other thing that, you know, one thing that you had told us, too, is that the purpose versus promise has been huge for us because we purpose knowing that we're humans and we're going to mess up. But at the same time, we're don't have all these broken promises along the way, which are new hurts for us to go back through. Wow.


Karl Elkins: That's great insight. Yeah, I'm glad you mentioned that. Yeah. If you promise. While it can be good to promise to God and the purpose means I sincerely intend.


Jason: Exactly to help.


Karl Elkins: God's help, even if I fail a lot of repurpose and purpose.


Jason: Yeah, exactly.


Karl Elkins: Good point. Yeah. Great. Now, you just did step 12, and then step 13 sounds a little similar, but going to ask it and I'll explain it.


Jason: Did I fully resolve this?


Mandy: Yes, you did.


Karl Elkins: Okay. 12 and 13 sounds similar. I want you to think of a diamond. A diamond has many facets. And step 12 is saying I was wrong to show weakness and not plan to show more weakness. Would that resolve this? Then she said yes. And now I'm saying, is there any other aspect of this whole event that may have hurt you and that is for she might bring in a different facet. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Right. Right. So I've had for those of you listening, if you have had a partner that has committed adultery or something, if the person who did it confess is one facet, I was wrong to have sex with another person, would you please forgive me? And I purpose to be faithful and to die with that resolve. And I would say, yes, you've resolve this fast. Step 13 is are there other facets? Well, you know, it's all about the line.


Mandy: Right?


Karl Elkins: You need to talk about the line. Mm hmm. So. Yes. Mm hmm. So 13 is asking either of the facets. And if there were another facet, you would just go back and start all over again. But let's have you just say no. That to.


Mandy: Resolve. No, that resolved it.


Karl Elkins: All right. And then, step 14, is you a hot soup? If there was something you were doing that influence and the way in which one another. Yes, that's right.


Mandy: 14 is right. So is there anything I did or did not do that influenced you to do that?


Jason: No.


Karl Elkins: And the way it zigzagged is. No, it was on me. Yeah.


Mandy: Yeah.


Jason: No, it was all me. But thanks for asking.


Karl Elkins: And it's kind of important to end it that way, because she's giving you a little wiggle room when she's. That's right.


Jason: Influence, right?


Mandy: Yeah. I mean.


Karl Elkins: You could blow the whole place of. Yeah, it's about time we got to that.


Jason: Yeah, right, right, right, right, right.


Karl Elkins: Communicate that.


Jason: Right.


Karl Elkins: But you also want to thank her because you mean 10 minutes when you press.


Jason: That on.


Karl Elkins: Me. But thank you for asking.


Mandy: Yes, you need to.


Karl Elkins: Yeah, which would be another subject for another day. But what if there were another issue? Exactly. Mm hmm. What if she had been late to pick you up and you were running late? You're running out of time, and you had to jump in and get the job done because you're running late. This would be the opportunity to say, Well, yeah, I felt unsupported. When you pick me up late on our schedule, it wouldn't mean a lot to me if you showed more punctuality. Right. And then you would just go down.


Jason: This exactly is exactly right.


Mandy: Yes.


Karl Elkins: All right. Let's hope you do. The whole thing from top to bottom, from the beginning without me adding comment as much. And that way maybe our audience can see it flow more naturally. Okay, so I'll assume you're.


Mandy: Warmed up with that kind of stuff.


Jason: Too. Okay. Is there any way I have hurt you that I have not fully resolved?


Mandy: Yes. I felt my need for security was not met when you had interrupted incorrect me in front of our daughter. I wish you would have shown more meekness.


Jason: Okay. Are you referring to the time when you were speaking to Ashton, our daughter and I interrupted in your conversation when she was receiving something from you?


Mandy: Yes.


Jason: And you wish I would have shown a little more. Security. No, I'm sorry. Maintenance, which means.


Mandy: Yes, money for it. Mm hmm.


Jason: Are you saying that your need for security was not met?


Mandy: Yes.


Jason: I can see how that hurt you. I always feel the same way, too. If you had done the same when I was talking to Ashton and had stepped in and interrupted when she was receiving something from me. Tell me more how that made you feel.


Mandy: I just felt like what I had to say didn't matter, and I felt derailed from what I was saying. And it made me feel insecure that you didn't value what I had to say and that that just wasn't important and that you cared more about how you felt and what you wanted to say than what I had to say.


Jason: I feel sad that I hurt you. God has helped me to see how wrong I was. To not give you security and interrupt you with asked him, Would you please forgive me?


Mandy: Yes, I forgive you.


Jason: Our purpose in the future. And a plan to. Give you that security when you're talking to Ashton and show that meekness and knowing that she's receiving something from me and I shouldn't be interrupting you guys and in taking that time in the future to actually if I have if I see something to talk to you after you've talked after you've talked to her. Did I fully resolve this issue?


Mandy: Yes, you did.


Jason: Forget ten. But I know. Maybe I did. Will you forgive me? Would you please forgive me?


Mandy: Yes, I forgive you. And then 14 minutes. Okay. And then. Was there anything I did or did not do that influenced you to do that?


Jason: No. It was all me. But thank you for asking.


Karl Elkins: Excellent. Now, before you learn this model, how with this compared to how you normally would try to resolve.


Jason: No.


Mandy: It was awful.


Jason: Terrible.


Mandy: What was meant to matter?


Jason: Well, one, we know the situation. Mm hmm. Two, I'm able to then actually use words by definition.


Mandy: Mm hmm.


Jason: Right. Two, to affirm her rather than me. Just go on. That's how I felt. Or I don't know what. What do you want me to say? Now I have something to say based upon the character qualities and as well as the need that was not met. Mm hmm. And that's one of the things that Mandy and I would constantly do, was we would lovingly meet the wrong need.


Mandy: Yeah.


Jason: All the time. And so now what this gives me is to not wait. And then I start to know Mandy greater. You know, because of those needs I keep missing. If I keep coming back to this. And so it really gives me that place. It gives me security to be that husband I need to be.


Mandy: Yes. Yes. And for me, I didn't know how to verbalize how I felt because I didn't feel that I should have needs. I believe that. That you should, if you're Christian and God supplies all your needs. So just buck up. And whenever I learned how to identify needs to express, then it helped me from not stuffing, not getting anxious and fearful because I can actually deal with emotions. Yeah.


Karl Elkins: Right.


Jason: Yeah. And as a business owner, type-A personality, I never want to conform. So when you first show me this call, I like to jumped out of my skin. But I can tell you I love this because it does bring the insecurity and it is very wooden at first. Yeah, but once you get to know it and you go to it, it is. It's a lifeline.


Mandy: Yeah.


Karl Elkins: I have usually the higher the education level, the more successful people are, the worse they are at doing this. I have a Ph.D. from Harvard and a lawyer there telling.


Mandy: The.


Karl Elkins: Absolute worst I've ever seen that following this model. And after about an hour, I struggled. And so I had to get the absolute.


Mandy: Worst of.


Karl Elkins: Anybody in as far as me. Cause was really smart, evidently. But you can't follow directions. And I don't know why I'm paying you to help me if you're not going to try. It's not what you do. Why don't you at least try and model it? Mm hmm. They went home at that point. We'll have 5 minutes. They went home, and they just stayed in the model. And they worked. Most of us. And they. Everyone always comes back. Every 130. It's very wooden in first, but once you've done it about six or seven times, you catch it. There's a flow. And here's the flow. I see you ask your partner. They tell you the her. You talk to God, you talk to the head, talk to their heart, you talk to their hand, you talk to God. Or is there any truth to this? Talk to the head. Let me understand this in the neck. In OECD, the median and careful in the definition of yoga. And then you talk to the heart. How to make you feel. I feel sad the hurt that way. And then you talk to the hands, which please forgive me as I would change. God had heart hands come down my head.


Jason: That's good.


Karl Elkins: That's the sort of stuff that's good. All right. So I want to give you a few and thank you guys that were really awesome. And wouldn't you say that when you do it at home, if you veer off the model, does it go well or better?


Mandy: Just go?


Karl Elkins: You know, I've learned over the years the curves in the gutters, right, that keep people on the path to the completion. And when they've failed to apply these 14 steps, it usually goes badly. Could you have done this very well without the warm up?


Mandy: No. No. Impossible.


Karl Elkins: So the warmup is pretty important. So I hope you'll have me back to physical training to talk about the warmup. Let me just give a few more insights as you do this and a few things. When you start this, make sure you stay in the moment. You stay in.


Jason: Place.


Karl Elkins: Also, another inside here or on the slide here is that when you come clean on something, it's imperative that you become 100% clean, 100% clean. And if you've committed adultery or those things in my lifetime, some counselor I've seen when someone comes clean 100% clean with 99.9% success in the short run, don't keep long term studies, so I can comment on that. I've had zero success when stuff comes out in stages. Yeah, because the partners thinking if I can trust you going forward, I think I can hang in here. But if you're not telling me the truth about the past I can trust. I recommend you have Kleenex when you do this. Well, no tears take. Next is probably not very helpful. I typically recommend the husband should go first, and unless the wife just has the obvious reason that she needs to go first. I also suggest that you start with the easy ones first. Start with when you think he would remember using the monument in the school. As soon as this becomes natural, then you can flip it to the heart and allow it to be wooden. At first it will be wooden first. One thing that moves your way for a witness is when you look each other in the eyes. It's something to go. Is there a way I've heard you that I have not fully resolved versus is there way I've hurt you that I cannot yet fully resolve? Looking your partner in the eyes really removes half of the witness. I recommend do all the ones you can do. The ones you get stuck on. Just table seven for counsel that can help you with it. But don't let the tough one keep you from doing the others you can do. Don't take shortcuts. You're going to want to take shortcuts. You're not going to want to hold hands. Secondly, you're not going to want to discuss the care of to call either 49 of those. You know, which one is it? That's just too much work and not going to stay in them. All you can think is two wouldn't know world so well that it's not wooden. Now there's three ways to do this. Number one, you can empty her kettle, adjust all of her hurts, and then once you've done that, then you sit in the hot seat and you get to this heart. That's the safest. Maybe you should try that. If you want safety as you do this. It's not the most effective. The most effective is a zigzag.


Jason: Yeah.


Karl Elkins: When you ask, Did I influence you to do that? Man, you're in the hot seat and you just sit there and you peel back all those sorts like an urn, right? Probably a mixture of both is what most of my clients do. You do three or four? You do three or four. Then you start to say, Exactly. And then I recommend that if oftentimes a man's for that, he wants more, more sexual affection, I recommend you table those until perhaps it would last into the wife's kill first. It's very hard for a woman to return to that give her so physically until the wall is taken down between her and her husband. Let me tell you that I still dirty if I give it up on that or I feel really dirty if I like a prostitute, if I give my partner sex one, I'm really, really mad. And so empty her kettle many times, so pounce her bones afterwards. Just make sure. Yeah. So today what we've talked about are 14 biblical truths to help you resolve conflict. It involves our three dimensionality, a spirit. Mind you, most spirits all embody a conscience of our spirit, our mind, our emotional will. And it's a powerful mob. And unfortunately, people that learn this, they veer from it and they get stuck. They don't resolve their conflict, but when they pull it out and use it, they're amazed at how wooden it is, but how effective it is. And I hope you will do this. So that concludes our series and our first session. We talked about we have leads in our second series. We talked about the consequences of unmet needs. Account fills up. Our third series, we talked about the thing that makes it hard to enter the kill is that we focus on our rights within our responsibilities, and we need to change. We need to build our rights, focus on our responsibilities. And then our fourth session, we've talked about a 14 step month communication which is on the handout to walk you through hurts. Thank you for being a part of biblical training on this series. The top four aspects of great Relationships. And I want to encourage you to explore some of the other paths that you'll find. There's hundreds and certainly thousands of courses that you can take on biblical training. Thank you for being a part of this. Let me be perfectly as we close, Lord, help us all to better identify and meet the needs of the moment and make them. That's what we do in Jesus name for.