Counseling for Healthy Relationships - Lesson 2

Identify and Meet the Need of the Moment

Love is meeting the need of the moment, not meeting a need with good intentions. All you have to do to upset someone is to lovingly meet the wrong need. You can only hit an emotional target with an emotional arrow. 

Karl Elkins
Counseling for Healthy Relationships
Lesson 2
Watching Now
Identify and Meet the Need of the Moment

A. Adam's aloneness proves we have needs (Gen 2:18)

B. Three institutions to remove aloneness

C. Commons sense proves we have needs

D. The "one-another" commands prove we have needs (Rom 15:7)

E. The top 12 commonly identified needs

1. Acceptance

2. Admonition

3. Affection

4. Appreciation

5. Approval

6. Attention

7. Comfort

8. Encouragement

9. Instruction

10. Respect

11. Security

12. Support

  • Dr. Parle introduces Dr. Karl Elkins and the class, Top 4 Aspects of a Great Relationship.

  • Love is meeting the need of the moment, not meeting a need with good intentions. All you have to do to upset someone is to lovingly meet the wrong need. You can only hit an emotional target with an emotional arrow. 

  • Acknowledge that you have needs and transfer the ownership of these needs into the hands of God, which is meekness. You and I have an emotional kettle that is designed to experience positive emotions. Over time, an unmet need is like a flame under the kettle, which results in the "pressure" of anger and hurt. Unmet needs lead to hurt, and hurt leads to disappointment and sadness. Empty the kettle of negative emotions and the positive emotions will come back.

  • Anger results when you are hurt and you cling to a right. Yield your rights to God and focus on your responsibilities. Learn to think at the need level, not the event level. If you focus on your rights it leads to an angry revolution. If you focus on your responsibilities, it leads to a revival.

  • Having a structure to serve as a model for communicating your needs and emotions of the moment helps you to communicate clearly and creates space to meet each other's needs by responding in love. It helps initially if you have someone to coach you as you work through the steps to help you stay focused on the current issue so you can identify and meet the need of the moment. 

You show love to someone when you identify the need of the moment and meet it. Mr. Elkins identifies and describes the top 12 commonly identified needs. He also suggests a pattern of communication to use to resolve a situation where one or more of these needs is not met.

Dr. Karl Elkins

Counseling for Healthy Relationships


Identify and Meet the Need of the Moment

Lesson Transcript


If the Spirit of God raised Jesus from the dead, that same spirit can resurrect a dead marriage. Maybe you're dead marriage are any dead relationship. And if that's not true, there's no hope for any of us. Because that's either true or it isn't. If the Spirit of God raised Jesus from the dead, you don't have something God can't fix. Hi. My name is Karl Elkins. I'm a marriage and family therapist with Christway Counseling center. Over the last 23 years, I've seen over 4300 clients, and I think I've heard over a third of a million conflicts. And though people come with different issues or symptoms anger, adultery, resentment, affairs, the inability to resolve conflict, I find that beneath those conflicts usually is about 25 biblical concepts that are being violated. One of them is just as simple as the log inspect principle. The Bible says, Take the log out of your own eye. Then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your partner's. I do. You know, I've never seen a couple that could resolve a conflict if they violate that order. And if you do, it sounds like this. I can't believe you did. Well, I wouldn't have done it if you hadn't done. Well, the only reason I did B is because you did see. Well, how about X, Y and Z? Well, that's just one of these 25 I found in the last 23 years that if I could spend 18 hours with a couple, usually over a three day period and teach them these 25 truths, by the end of the 18th hour, they were feeling closer than they ever had before. Now we don't have time to teach you the 18 hours and to teach you all 25 truths. But I've isolated in this series the top four that I think that could be helpful to you. So the title of this series is The Top four Aspects of a Great Relationship. The top four Aspects of a great Relationship. The first one is you have to identify and meet the need of the moment. Ephesians 429 says Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth. But only such a word that's good for ratification according to the need of the moment. That it may give grace to those who here. Do you know all you have to do to upset someone is lovingly meet the wrong need? Have you ever said something to someone? And it does not give grace to those who hear you say something and they don't say, Well, thank you. I really appreciate that. This verse tells me why you did not meet the need of the moment. My life was radically changed when I was asked the question by Dr. David Ferguson of Intimate Life Ministries. And here's the question I want to ask you. Think about it. Most people get this wrong. What's the first human crisis in the Bible? What's the first human crisis in the Bible? Now. I had a master's degree in theology, a master's degree in counseling from a Christian university, and I got it wrong. I said, Genesis three six. It says when she saw the tree was good for food, like to the eyes desirable to make one wise she took from its fruit and it gave also to her husband with her and he ate. I thought the first human crisis was sin. I got to tell you, I was shocked beyond belief when someone showed me that it was sooner than that. Do you remember in chapter one, God created the stars and he saw that it was good. He created the sea creature saw that it was he created the vegetation, saw that it was. And then in Genesis 218 is the first time he said something is not good. It is not good for the man to be alone. Now, would you agree if your sovereign creator came down, looked you in the eye and said, something's not good, that would be somewhat of a crisis? But I want to ask you, was this before the fall or after the fall? Before. Are you sure? Yeah. He's not even around yet. Sin has not yet enter the world in something is not good. Wow. That sent a tidal wave through my entire theological grid because I grew up in a culture that said the problem with absolutely everything is sin. And I'm not trying to make light of sin at all. Sin is a huge, huge, huge problem. If God sees it as $1,000,000,000 problem, I'm saying it's $1,000,000,000 problem. My only point here is that we treat sin as if it's the only problem. And Adam had an aloneness problem even before he had a sin problem. Now, that's a little odd, because at that point, does he have a good relationship with God? What do you think? Yeah, the perfect relationship. It says that he had little walks with God the three afternoons, at least after the fall. You assume that happened before he heard the sound of Lord walking in the garden. Does he have a good position on planet Earth? Yeah. He's the CEO of the world. No competition. That's every businessman's dream. And where is he living? The Garden of Eden Paradise. So he's living in a perfect place, a perfect relationship with God. He's got a perfect position that something's not good. Wow. How can that be? I share that because you tell the average person in a conservative Christian environment, the average Christian for in the average Christian pastor or Christian counselor that you're feeling alone in your marriage, do you know what you will probably hear? You're not alone. You have gone. God is all you need. If I've heard that once, I've heard it a thousand times, and I believe there's an error in that, God certainly is the source we look to to meet all of our needs. But he is not only what we need. Obviously we have all felt God's encouragement. But how many times have you felt God's encouragement through another sister or brother in the Lord? So what I'm going to suggest that if the. Problem that Adam had. He wasn't spiritually alone, but interpersonally alone. What was the solution to Adam's aloneness? How would you answer that? A person. So would you agree that God, who could have created us any way he wanted to chose to greet us with needs that only could be met in the context of our relationship with God and other people? What that means is that a successful husband is a husband whose wife feels less alone this year than she felt last year. A successful wife has a wife whose husband feels less alone this year. A successful parent is a parent whose children feel less alone this year than they felt last year. I am more and more convinced that we in the church sometimes arrogantly try to get people to believe right so that they can belong. If they believe. Right, behave right, then they can belong. And I'm beginning to think the most powerful ministries are those that get people to belong. And even before they're believers, they start becoming like Christ, even before they trust Christ. And then at some point, that's the thing that actually leads them to believe in Christ. It's amazing how often you see in Scripture that Jesus chose 12 to be with him and to send them out to preach. We're pretty good at sending people out to preach. We're not really good at being with people. All right. So this is a course in how God's created us. Our first major point is that you have to identify and meet the needs of the moment. Now, when Jesus taught, he often gave a test first and then did the teaching. So I want to give you a little quiz here before we get started. So if your wife guys wants to go on a romantic walk and so your idea is to make her do all the heavy lifting while you smoke a cigaret, you probably don't understand how to meet her need at the moment. If your wife wants to go on a romantic cruise. So your idea is to have her roll you around the lake while you smoke a cigaret. You probably don't understand the need of the moment. If your wife is like mind that likes to travel, see the world and you put a patio deck on her car. You probably don't understand the need of the moment. Now, if when you go camping, you snuggle up with your $9,000 bicycle under the tent and make your wife sleep out in the rain. You probably don't understand the need of the moment. Let's say your family wants to go skiing. Your idea is to buy a boat that looks like a four wheeler as you pull them around the dirt. You don't understand. Then the heat of the moment. If you were a T-shirt like this young man did that says, If I throw a stick, will you leave at your rehearsal dinner, by the way? You probably don't understand how to meet the needs of the moment. If, guys, you think the perfect wedding cake involves a stack of dinky Twinkies, you got to laugh at these guys. They don't get any better, I promise. You don't understand the need of the moment. If it's your wedding, you wear a sleeveless tux and have as your best friend a Rottweiler. You don't understand the need moment. My favorite here is if you think financial security involves installing a 30 foot mailbox just for bills, you don't understand the need of the moment. My wife's favorite here is if you think home decor involves a deer buttocks as a doorbell, you do not understand the needs memo. That is not our house, I assure you. And I have to admit, our next slide really doesn't have a whole lot to do with anything we're going to talk about. I just thought it was funny. I want to share it with you. Debra Jackson. She likes shopping at the Dollar Palace. It's convenient. It's casual. I don't have to get all dressed up like I'm going to Wal-Mart or something. All right. So our first point tonight really is that you accept your interpersonal needs and those of others. And we can prove that because of Adam's aloneness, Adam's aloneness proves that we have interpersonal needs. Now, I don't want to say marriage is the only way to remove aloneness. It seems like God has set up three institutions to remove aloneness. Marriage is one. Genesis 218. The Lord God said It's not good for man to be alone. And it's not long before in Genesis four one, Cain and Abel come along. We have the family that removes aloneness. And then in Matthew 1618, the church is instituted by the Lord. When he says, I say to you that your peer upon this rock, I will build my church. And it seems like the way that it should happen is that as little children grow up and think of these 12 needs as little buckets in your heart. And to a large degree, those needs are met by your family, your parents, your siblings. And then when you leave the family and you get married, you actually have something in your bucket that you can give to a spouse. Right. But what's happening is the family is eroding. Children are not getting their needs met. They're going into a relationship with empty buckets and they're both trying to get their bucket filled rather than meet the needs of their partner. And it's like two ticks on one another trying to suck the blood out or to bankrupt businessmen trying to start a business together. And neither one of them has the capital. So I don't want to say marriage is the only way to remove aloneness. I'm just saying only people can remove aloneness. Now, here's the tragedy. If you deny that you have interpersonal needs for God and others, you will tend to minimize the needs of others. Well, I don't need so much of that attention stuff. Why do you need so much attention? I don't need so much comfort. Why do you need so much comfort? It guards all I need. Why can't God be all you need? And I think the devil is having a heyday over that. Another way to prove we have needs is not only Adams aloneness, but common sense. Would people ever get married if they had no needs? What do you think? Would people ever get married if they had no needs? You know why? You wouldn't need to. You be entirely self-sufficient. So the fact that you stand at the altar and get married implies that you have met someone that you think meet your needs and you do a good job, you think of meeting their needs. So not only Adams alone, this proves we have needs for common sense, proves we have needs, but really the perhaps the best way to prove we have needs are the one another commands, the one another commands. The Bible says respect one another. I'm supposed to respect you. You're supposed to respect me. Must mean we all need. What? Respect. Very good. Encourage one another. I encourage you. You encourage me? Must mean we all need. What? Encouragement, comfort one another. I am supposed to comfort you. You're commanded to comfort me. Must mean we all need. What? But what have you said to me? Na na na na na. You lost me on that comfort thing. I don't have so much need for that comfort stuff. Well, God says you do. Who's right? You may not be aware of your need for comfort, but it would be wrong to say that you do not have a need for comfort. So I want to introduce you to what we call the top 12 commonly identified needs. Now, as I mentioned, I've heard over a third of a million conflicts in my career as a counselor specializing in marriage counseling, and I have never seen a conflict that could not be traced back to one of these 12 needs. And you have that hand out there in front of you. Now. I could give you a list of 30 needs from the Bible, but I've never needed the other 18. Practically. I doubt you will either. And when we finish going through these needs, I'd like for you to pick what you think your top three needs are for yourself. In order on the left. One, two, three. And then try to guess your partner's top three needs. Maybe your mate. Or maybe you can do a friend if you're single. Or even your kids. If you're a parent. What I want you to do at the end of this is to see if you can guess your partner or friend's top three needs. All right. Let's go through these needs. Number one, acceptance. Receiving another person willingly and unconditionally, especially when the others behavior has been imperfect. Being willing to continue loving another in spite of offenses. The Bible says accept one another just as Christ also accepted us. Now, when Christ accepted us, was it because we had our act together? Now while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. What would be the opposite of acceptance? Someone rejection. That's exactly what it is. I always remember a girl I had the hots for in college. Tracy. Beautiful blond. I asked her out three times. She turned me down three times. The four times she turned me down. I said, Tracy, why won't you go out with me? I'll never forget it, she said. Well, Karl, there's just there's just. Well, there's just something about you that attracts me to other men. That is not acceptance. I had to tell her. There is something about you that gives me a fierce desire to be lonely. Right. Acceptance. Now, probably the best example in all the Bible, I think of acceptance is Jesus was Zacchaeus. Do you remember Zacchaeus? What you remember about Zacchaeus? He's a wee little man. I always think of Danny DeVito for some reason. Here's a little Danny DeVito. Zacchaeus and Arnold Schwarzenegger. You see the movie Twins Centurion World, right? Zacchaeus has a behavior problem. He's a lion to even cheat. And that day, Romans would hire Jews to collect taxes from other Jews. And they would say, We want $100. The house, whatever you get over and above that, you get to keep. You could see how that would lend itself to fraudulence. And he must have been good at it because he was rich, very rich. He gave half his money to feed the poor. He was going to pay back what he'd stolen four times as much. He must had a lot of money. So he's got a behavior problem. Does he have an aloneness problem? We know he's got a Genesis three six problem. Does he have a genesis to 18 problem? It's not good for man to be alone. Yeah. Who likes him? Nobody. Nobody. I mean, the epitome of aloneness to me is being up at a tree. I mean, how many people do you think are up there with him? And why is he in a tree? Well, he's short. He can't see. Okay, Well, I ask you, why didn't somebody say, Hey, Zacchaeus, why don't you come stand in front of me? They didn't like him. Why didn't somebody hoist him on their shoulders like fathers do? Kids at parades? They didn't like him. Now, I believe his sin problem is largely motivated by his aloneness. Problem. This is so important to see. Think of a child. If he doesn't get his aloneness met, his attention need met by being good. What will he do? He'll act out. And don't we tend to look at little Johnny's bad behavior and say, quit acting out? He's thinking, why it works. This is how I get money for attention, men. Now, we don't grow out of that. Really, As adults, we just call it something different. Right. You forgot my birthday. I forgot how to cook. How do you like that? Right. So I want to suggest that here's Zacchaeus, who is not very well accepted, perhaps because of his size. And he wrongly, wrongly thinks you got to respect a rich man. So by hook and crook, he tries to be wealthy, and it didn't really work. But he's thinking that if I were wealthy, people would have to accept and respect me. All right. Can you see how those are kind of connected? He's got a sin problem. He's got an aloneness problem. When Jesus comes to town, which of the two problems does he addressed? He addresses the aloneness. He does not come into town and say, Zacchaeus, you lie and thieves cheat. Get down from here. The second. What does he do? Zacchaeus, come on down to down to spend some time with you at your house. Then Zacchaeus on his own initiative, repents of his behavior problem. Wow. But isn't it interesting, Zacchaeus, When Jesus came into town, he didn't look up in the tree and say, Zacchaeus, you lying, thieving, cheat, get down from here this second. And I'm sad because the song that we sing this little kids remember the hand gesture. Zacchaeus was a wee little man. Are we little man? Was he? And at some point, the hand gesture. Zacchaeus, you get down from there. Oh, and we're teaching little kids that Jesus is this finger point and scolding God that's only concerned about your behavior. The hand gesture ought to be a hand gesture like this. It's an invitation. An invitation to be with the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords. Now, could I just summarize our entire counseling model with this story? Zacchaeus has a behavior problem. And men, you and I have behavior problems. Women. You're going to have some behavior problems in your marriage. And I want to suggest that probably 95% of the time, our behavior problems are rooted in our aloneness problem. So rather than focus on your partner's behavior problem, meet the need beneath the deed. The Zacchaeus principle. Jesus illustrated that as a point to teach acceptance. How did Jesus accept He met our need for acceptance? By looking beyond our faults and meeting our needs. Let me give you another meditation on acceptance. This one's powerful. On the left side of that timeline, there is the day you were one year old. On the right side, the right hand. I want you to think of your current age. Maybe you're 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, whatever. Where along there did you become a Christian? For me. It was December 13th, 1975, Jones Hall Auditorium. Part of a Youth for Christ concert with Chuck Girard, formerly of the Beach Boys. And I trusted Christ. So whoever you trust to Christ is where that Blue Cross is. Can you pinpoint about where you were when you trusted Christ? All right, Watch this. If this doesn't bless you, your blessings broke. Since that time, have you done anything wrong? Let's associate. We don't want to know what it is, but I want you to think of one of the worst things you've done since being a Christian and less so associated with that red X. You got something, you're not going to share it, but. All right. When God saved you at the cross, did he know that you and I would betray him at the red X? Are you sure? 100%. Wow. Let that sink in. That means that knowing that you and I would betray him, he still entered into a relationship with you at the cross. I'm not that loving a guy yet. If I knew you were going to betray me, I probably wouldn't enter into a relationship with you. But that's not the love our father has. What does that do to your heart? Do not evoke something inside of you, of gratitude and all that. This is really a good deal. Whatever that attitude is, that should be one of the things that largely motivates our Christian life. Had a gratefulness for what the Lord has done for me. I want to do this for him. So Jesus accepted people regardless of the race. The Samaritan woman have to have Gentile, the Gentile centurion. He accepted people regardless of their background. Remember the woman called in adultery. He accepted people regardless of their condition. The thief on the cross. He helped people overcome failures. Peter's denial. He denied him three times. Jesus loved all people unconditionally. He forgave freely, even from the cross. Father. Forgive them. They know not what they're doing. So how am I gonna use us to give acceptance? We need to look beyond people's faults quickly. Forgive when we're offended. Accept others when they fail. And can I ask you when God loves us? Is his love for us merited or unmerited? What would you say? Unmerited? Is it conditional or unconditional? Is it limited or unlimited? Because we need to love people with that kind of love. It's unconditional. It's unmerited, it's unlimited. In fact, really, we're kind of conduits of God's love, aren't we? The Bible says freely, You have received freely give. I sometimes think when we get to the issue of forgiveness, what's my forgiveness? And I can give it to whoever I want to. That's not true. We're conduits. We're stewards of God's forgiveness freely. We have received freely gift. All right. Let's move on to the second Nader admonition. Constructive guidance on what to avoid toward gentle and friendly reproof. The Bible says First Thessalonians 514. We urge you, brethren, admonish the unruly and curse the faint hearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone. All right. Take a close look at the verse. What does the verse say you do for an unruly person? What's it say? Admonish. What does it say you do to a faint hearted person? You encourage What would happen if you transpose those flip flop those. Bad news. Encouraging unruly would not be bad news, admonished the faint hearted. Wouldn't that be bad news? Here's the key point that I try to teach my clients of all the things we do. Here's the key point. You get this, you get everything. Love is not meeting a need with good intentions. Love is meeting the need of the moment. All you have to do to upset someone is lovingly meet the wrong need. Factory and I. Our first conflict. I'm going to have you come up and share our first conflict while we were dating, actually.


Oh, my. Well, the first time that Carl picked me up in the car to go some place, we're going to go on this little church picnic thing, and we had to pick up some supplies, so we had to stop at the grocery store on the way. And I knew where the grocery store was or on the freeway and under the exit was coming up. And I looked over. I said, You can get over now because that's the exit. He didn't make a sound, just kept going, took a different exit and pulled into a different grocery store parking lot. And I thought, you know, I don't know him real well yet. Maybe that's his bad ear. I'm going to turn where he can read my lips this time. Carl, there's a parking space three rows over on the front on the right. He paid no attention. He drove to the back of the grocery store. I got out. I trudged behind him. We went into the store, got our stuff, went on the picnic. He took me to the door that night and I said, I don't get it. We were having such a good time today. What happened? And he said to her, It would mean so much to me if I thought you thought I could get you someplace without your help. And this was shocking to me because everybody knows driving is a team sport. We all participate in driving. Right? Right. Evidently not. So when he said to me, Terry, it would mean so much to me if I thought you thought I could get you someplace without your help. What do you think? He wished I would have shown more up on your list of 12 knees and hit as starts of that are respect. He wished I would have shown more respect. Out of the goodness of my heart. You can get over that. See that there is a parking space? What was I trying to offer? Support. I really did want to offer support. So is it ever wrong to offer support to someone if the needed? The moment is respect and you're offering support. It can create friction as it did.


From adding If you delegate to someone that has a high need for support, how do you delegate? Here's what I want you to do. Here's how I want you to do it. My door's open. If you have any questions. Let's meet twice a week to check your progress. That's how you would delegate to someone with high support. But what if you delegated that exact same way to someone that has a high need for respect? What are they thinking? You think I'm so stupid? I can't figure this out. We have a term for it in the management world. We call it micromanagement. And all micromanagement is is giving too much support to someone that has a high need for respect. Admonition. Now, I'll have to say there's two on this list that no one ever picks. Admonition and instruction. I mean, no one ever picks admonition as their top three needs, Right. You know, I got to leave in 5 minutes. Can I get a hug and a rebuke before we go? I mean, we just don't talk that way. I put this on the list because it's typically what we give people that they don't want. Turn here, park there. Stop doing it that way. Do it this way. All right. Number three's affection, affection, expressing care and closeness through physical touch, saying I love you. Greet one another with a holy kiss. We tend to think of this as physical touch, but it can include endearing words. I love you. Your friendship means so much to me. I'm so glad that we're married. It can be sexual or non-sexual affection, appreciation and expressing gratefulness through thanks, praise or commendation, recognizing effort or accomplishment. Number five as approval, express commendation to have or express a favorable opinion of think and speak well of building up or affirming another affirming the fact and importance of a relationship. When God spoke at Jesus baptism, he said, My beloved Son in whom I am Well, please, beautiful picture of approval. The fact of the relationship, my son, and the blessing of it. Beloved son. Well pleased. Attention conveying appropriate interest concerning care taking thought of another. And I like these three words. It's a great way to define attention entering another's world. I heard one of the worst civil conversations of my life in an elevator one day in a bank building. Going up, go up, one floor man gets on the elevator, another man gets up on the next floor, and they seem to know each other. One of them says, Hey, what's up? The other one said, Oh, not much. So I'll get a movie this weekend. Oh, yeah, me too. Some of your guys are looking at me like what? Short and sweet. Just like it ought to be. Now, what's wrong with that conversation? I saw Good movie. What did you see? Oh, Rambo. 47 or however many we're up to now. Yeah, I saw it too. Where do you think about the scene where he jumps out of the lake and tackles the helicopter? I call it walking down that path with someone and to enter someone else's world. Don't you normally have to leave your own world? Comfort responding to a hurting person with words, feelings and touch to hurt with, and for another's grief or pain to give consolation with tenderness. The Bible says in Romans 1215. Rejoice with those. Rejoice, mourn with those who mourn. By the way, there's another good example of meet the need of the moment when someone is sad. What do you do? You'll be sad when they're happy. What do you do? What would have happened if you transpose those? Now I'm convinced this is how we men typically miss our wives. Wives can miss men this way. And if a man has the gift of mercy, he's probably not guilty of it. But if he does not have the gift of mercy, I think most of us men tend to miss our wives in this area just about more than the others. For example, if your wife has a bad day, she's had a hurtful event. She's painting a target here for comfort. But there's eight things we tend to do that do not hit the need of the moment for comfort. Number one is we respond with facts, logic and reason. Oh, I had a bad day to day. Well, I can tell you why you had a bad day. Oh, the traffic was awful. Well, that's because you want Highway 90. I told you you should have gone 59. The kids were horrible. That's because you give them all that sugar. You know, if you wouldn't give them all that sugar. Now, it may be true facts, logic and reason. But can you hit an emotional target with a cognitive error? You can't do it. Criticism. Oh, I had a bad day today. Good grief. What's wrong with you now? God, you sure are sensitive. You know what you are? You're uber sensitive. Sometimes we respond with complaints. Another way of saying my hurt. I had a bad day today. Yeah, I know what you mean. You gotta hear about the kind of day I had. The traffic was awful. You think you had a bad. I had to drive it four times today. I'm really hurt by what you said. Well, I'm hurt, too. You know, rather than give comfort. What are we trying to do? Get comfort? That didn't work. Sometimes we need to give. We tend to give advice and instruction. Oh, my boss was a jerk. Well, what you need to do is. You just need to. Anytime someone says, you just need to. I know they never had to because that's not what people that had to ever say. Right. I think the more we grow in Christ, we migrate towards pep talks, encouragement. Oh, man, I had a bad day today. Well, cheer up. Things could be worse. Sure enough, I cheered up. They got a whole lot worse. Right? That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger. What character quality is God trying to teach you? Now, I'm not against character quality. We're going to talk a lot about character qualities. I'm just saying when the need of the moment is comfort, you don't want to give a pep talk. Sometimes we minimize. Oh, come on, that's no big deal. Making a mountain out of a molehill. Everybody else seems to be getting through this. Why can't you do it like your brother? And then we spiritual as well. You know, God causes all things to work at. Work together for good. Maybe one of the worst of all is we just neglect. We neglect. Boy, had a bad day to day, huh? Where would you like to eat tonight? Change the subject. Walk out. We neglect. What should we do? Well, what emotional responding is as you can only hit a emotional target with an emotional arrow. Now, when you hear someone, it's not just men who are guilty. This woman, you may need this as well. But if your spouse is hurting and you know they're hurting when you hear things like I felt hurt when I've had a bad day, I'm hurting and I just don't know why. Well, your next response needs to communicate understanding, empathy, gentleness, reassurance, sometimes a confession. It may even sound a little bit like I can see you're hurting. I hate to see you hurting. It saddens me to see you hurting. I deeply care about you. And I love you. I'm committed to go through this with you. In fact, women tell me if I'm on target here. I think you can communicate comfort without words. Oh. Hmm. Hmm. Mm hmm. We know our hug. Right. All right. So if you get nothing out of this session, guys, just learn to grunt, Right? Okay. Grunting for Jesus. That's what we call it. But I'll tell you, sincerity is the main thing. When you learn to fake that, then you really got it made. Okay. Let's move on. Encouragement. Urging another to persist toward a goal. Stimulating towards love and good deeds. The Bible says encourage one another, build up one another. Instruction is the ninth one Modeling, equipping and training in how to Love. The Bible says all scriptures inspired by God, profitable for four things, teaching us what we should do, recruiting us for when we do it wrong. Correction How do you get back to the right way? Training in righteousness. How do we stay on the right path? Respect is number ten valuing regarding another highly treating another as important. Honoring another conveying great worth. Romans 12 tenses give preference to one another. Now, respect is a big one. Would you find that when people hurt you, is it more what they say or how they say it? It's usually how they say it, isn't it? If someone makes a decision that involves you, don't you want to have a say in that? See, that's an issue of respect. Security, harmony and relationships, freedom from threat of harm. The Bible says Romans 1216 be of the same mind toward one another as far as it depends on you. Be at peace with all men. Now, if you're not convinced your partner's committed to marriage fidelity, you're not going to feel secure if they've cheated on you in the past. There's a tendency to not feel secure about the future. If you think there's anything out there more important to your partner than you. Besides God, you're going to feel insecure. Let me ask you something. I'd like your response to this. What would most women like their husbands top five priorities to actually be? All right. What would you think, women? What do you want your spouse's top five priorities to be? God. God. Wife. Spouse. Family. Family. Job and then ministry. Those are usually on the top five list of Christian woman. Now, what do you think your husbands are? What would you say most men's top five priorities actually are job? What's number two? Golf, maybe. Kids. Golf. Friends, hobbies. Wife was put her number for ministry. Number five maybe. Now, guys, you may have one or two problems. Your priorities may not be what they should be. If God's not number one, you know there's a problem. The Bible says seek first the kingdom of God. So obviously, if your problem if your wife is number four, she's going to feel insecure. The other thought is, is that even if your priorities are the way they should be God, wife, kids. And my emphasis here is just for the wife sees herself. She wants to be number two. Even if your priorities are there. But she thinks there that she's number four on the list. Whatever you're doing isn't working. And she's going to feel insecure. You're not landing it very well. All right. Number 12 support. Come alongside. Gently help with the problem or struggle. Providing appropriate assistance to help carry a load, bear one another's burdens, and therefore fulfill the law of Christ. Now you've got to get good at discerning the need of the moment from what people say. So let me give you a little quiz here. If someone said, would you please help me, what might be one of the needs behind that? From year 12. Neat. Support. Support. Could be affection. Right. Yeah. Would you please help me? What might do that? Attention could be their support might be another one. We never seem to have time to talk. Little attention. Stop telling me how to drive. Please don't miss this one. Respect. Don't I do anything right. Appreciation, could you? It's not what you said. It's how you said it. But you think. Respect. Good. I wish you'd just open up and talk with me. So it's a little tricky, but it's probably support. Help me help you open up. Let me know what's going on so I can. How about this one? How much did you spend on that security? Now, here's the final exam. Do I look fat in this dress? That is just a bad question, isn't it, Mary? And does it kind of depend on where you are when you ask it? If you're in Macy's shopping, the answer might be a little different than when you're in the church parking lot about to walk in. Yep. I sure wouldn't have worn that one. I mean, it just. Well, we'll stop it right there. All right. Yes. Acceptance. Acceptance. Good. All right. So I want to give you an experience, full activity for those that are watching by video that you just pause the video and pick your top three needs for yourself in order. One, two, three on the left side of your handout. Then on the right side of the handout, I want you to pick your partner's top three needs. And then number three, find out how many of your partners needs did you get in order? And I will tell you, I've only had 61 people out of 4300 ever get their partner's top three needs in order. It's a lot harder than it looks, but that's the point. All you have to do to upset someone is meet one of these needs. Really well. But it not be your partner's need of the moment, and you have probably made them mad. So what I'm hoping you're getting from this session is that God who could have created us any way he wanted to chose to create you. Create me with needs that can only be met in the context of a relationship with God and other people. Except that you have interpersonal needs. Except that other people have interpersonal needs. And then in our next session, we're going to talk about the path to intimacy. Lord, help us all to better identify and meet the need of the moment. In Jesus name, we pray. Amen.