Counseling for Healthy Relationships - Lesson 3

Welcome back to session two of our series. We’ve entitled “Top Four Aspects of Great Relationships.” In our first segment, we talked about number one: you have to identify and meet the need of the moment. It’s not enough to meet a need; you have to meet the need.

We introduced “Adam’s aloneness”—this is a proof for our needs. We introduced the common sense says we had needs and the “one another” commands prove we have needs. Then we introduced 12 key needs. If you haven’t listened to that video, I suggest you at least download the handout of the 12 world needs. You were going to pick your top three and try to guess your partner’s top three.

Now, if you’ve done that activity, I want to give you a few core insights about these needs in this segment. We’re going to be talking about understanding the consequences of unmet needs—what happens when the need at the moment is not met—but, a few insights about these needs.

The fact that you picked those top three needs intuitively suggests that you have needs. If you picked your top three needs, you realize that you have these needs or you would not have been able to pick these needs. The second thing about this is that these needs are biblical. Most of these come from direct commands in Scripture to “respect one another,” respect one another, comfort one another, encourage one another.

Thirdly, how many of these needs require another person to be present in order for the need to be met? All of them. How do you meet your own need for attention? “Feeling kind of lonely… Oh, there’s a mirror. Hey, looking good!” That doesn’t work, does it? How do you meet your own need for affection? “I’m just going to give myself a hug…hold my hand…hold it…” No. How do you meet your need for comfort? “I’m just going to have a pizza by myself.” We think that works, but it really doesn’t. So, would it be fair to say that all of these needs require another person to take the initiative and meet that need?

So, these needs are intuitive, they’re biblical, and they’re relational. Next: don’t we want the other person in the relationship to choose to meet that need in us without us having to ask? Or take, “You never buy me flowers anymore.” “Oh, all right, all right. I’ll buy you some dadgum flowers. What color do you want?” “Never mind.”

Isn’t how that conversation goes? “We never talk anymore.” “All right, say something. What do you wanna talk about?” “Never mind.” “We never have sex anymore.” “All right, here, hurry up.” If you have to take it, it doesn’t mean as much when you get it. Am I right?

They’re intuitive, they’re biblical, and they’re relational. We want the other person to choose to meet that need in us. And next, and most important of all: it’s not enough to meet a need; you have to meet the need. You have to meet the need of the moment. Ephesians 4:29 says, “Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment.”

Now, there are a few other insights I think that are helpful. Sometimes we as therapists want to start with how men and women are different, and that’s important. You’ve got to talk about that. You really do—don’t forget to do that. I think sometimes we need to start with how we’re the same.

You see, if a man doesn’t realize he needs comfort—if he thinks, “That’s just a female thing,” and he’s trying to give his wife comfort, he’s thinking, “I’m not really supposed to understand that because that’s a woman thing.” So, he tries to send it through this gender decoding box, right? “Gee…that…that saddens me…for you…honey.” It’s just stilted, isn’t it? But if a man can realize that he has a need for comfort, it sure is going to help him understand what other people are going through.

In fact, one of the best stories I’ve actually heard about comfort is a story of a guy who was… I just lost my train of thought. We’re talking about comfort. That’s embarrassing. You can edit that out. All right.

I did not just lose my train of thought. But when you thought I did, what were you thinking? “Oh, no. I knew I shouldn’t have committed to spend a half a day at this video series.” That is not comfort. But some of you were thinking, “Oh, Lord, give him the words. Give it to him.” Right? You felt my pain. That’s what comfort is. You feel what someone else feels, and you want to help them relieve that. Now, I’m not going to trick you anymore, but it’s a great way to understand what comfort is.

Needs can be shaped by our spiritual gifts. If you, from the Romans 12 list, have one of those seven, I can probably predict what one of your top three needs are. If you have a mercy gift there in the Romans 12 list there, then you probably have a high need for affection. If you have a gift for organization, administration, ruling, or leading—whichever Bible version you use—you’re going to have a need for support. If you have the gift of exhortation, you’re going to need encouragement. So, they are somewhat predictable by our gifts.

Next insight, and this is really helpful: if you’ve already picked the top three needs for yourself and top three for your friend, your partner, or your kid, and you compare them, you’ll probably notice that you and your partner have a different number one need. Why is that significant?

I’m going to assume Terry’s number one need is the same number one need I have. I typically have a high need for respect. I don’t want unrequested help: “Turn here, park there.” Right? If she’s ever driving, she might say to me, “How do you think I should go? How should I drive it?” “Anyway you want to go is fine by me, right?” “Well, don’t you love me?” “That’s how I’m loving you—I am not telling you how to drive.” And she’ll say, “Well, you must think I need respect. What I really want you to do is type in those GPS coordinates and figure out the best way to get there.” See, her number one need is often support.

With the best of intentions, I may wrongly meet the need in her that I have. Now, she has a need for support, so she just assumes that I want help when we’re driving. “Turn here. Park there.” Right? “We do this drive thing together, you know. Driving is a team sport. You know, you put your hands on the wheel and I help you with everything else.”

Needs can be influenced by what you did get growing up. Terry got a lot of support from her father, who did a really good job of loving her. And she knows her dad loved her because of how much he served them. In fact, our first week of marriage, I looked out of the second story of our house; he had driven 16 miles and he’s planting flowers in our flower garden. I mean, that’s just the kind of guy he was—he wanted to help. So, she goes into a marriage thinking, “If men love you, then they support you.” So, that was shaped a lot by her childhood.

Can it go the other way—that what your number one need is now is because there’s something you didn’t get? Have you ever met people that talk and talk and talk and talk and talk, and you’re thinking, “Oh my gosh, is there a period coming anywhere soon?” The kind of person that could talk 30 minutes to the wrong number, right? Well, sometimes that person didn’t get a lot of attention growing up, and now they’re trying to make up for it with you as their captive audience. So, it can go both ways: you did get it, or you didn’t get it.

One of the most powerful exercises we do with clients is we get them to do what we call “X’s and O’s.” You would take those 12 needs, and if Dad did a good job, you’re going to put a “C” around that need, like the slide there. If Dad passed/failed, he met the need, he gets a “C.” If Mom did it, she gets a backward “C,” which means if they both met the need, it’s in effect a circle. If neither met the need, put an “X.” Now, this would be for the first 14 years of life, and it’s pass/fail.

In fact, I want to warn you before you do this—and then I’m going to ask you to pause the video and do this—but 85% of the time when I get a couple to do this activity, they get a little teary-eyed. It may hit them for the first time that, “Wow, I really missed out on some things in childhood.” I just finished a three-day workshop at a large church here in Houston, Texas, and a woman and her husband were both bawling at the end of this because it hit her for the first time that her dad was never there. She missed out on so much.

Do you think having 12 X’s on your sheet would impact your life at all? Do you think having 12 circles would impact your life at all? In fact, can I just give a commercial for parenting? Your goal for parenting is to have your kids give you 12 circles by the time they’re 14. You see, because life really is about removing aloneness. And the way you remove aloneness is to meet the needs of the moment.

Well, there are three things we can do with these needs that cause problems. We call these three “obstacles to intimacy.” One is you can exalt your need. This is the person that says, “Yeah, Karl, I know I have these needs, and by golly, getting that need met, that’s the most important thing on the table.” Well, that will lead to selfishness, won’t it? And it’s hard to be intimate with a selfish person who’s always taking.

The other extreme is a person who denies their needs. This is the person that says, “Yeah, no, Karl, I know I have these needs, but I’m sure me and God will take care of that ourselves. I don’t need so much from other people. Me and God got it covered.” Here is a person struggling with the sin of self-sufficiency.

There’s one in between: the person that says, “I know I have needs, but I feel ashamed that I do. If I just weren’t such an immature Christian, I wouldn’t be so needy. If I just had more faith like the pastor, I wouldn’t be so needy.” Here is a person that is struggling from self-condemnation. “I’m not worth having my needs met.”

Now, you actually see all three of these in the story of the Prodigal Son. See if you can line them up here. He comes to his father and he says, “Give me my inheritance and give it to me now.” Which one is he struggling with? Exaltation. He’s being selfish; he’s exalting his need. Then he spends all of his money on loose living, and he says, “I’m broke, but I know what I’ll do. I’ll get myself a job working at a pig farm, eating the food they give the little porkers.” Funny place for a Jewish boy to be working, who doesn’t eat pork. Now he’s eating the food they give the little porkers, right? Where is he now? Self-sufficiency. “I got myself in this jam; I’ll get myself out of it.” Can you see it? It’s not working out too well. He heads home thinking, “I’m not worth my father bringing me back as a son. Maybe he’ll hire me as a hired hand. Yeah, I’m not worth my father meeting my needs.” He’s feeling self-condemnation.

Now, it goes beyond our time today, but I want to give you the answer. What we think the biblical answer to each of these is: the answer to selfishness is faith. Think about it. You will cheat on your income tax to the degree you don’t think there’s a Jehovah-Jireh God that will take care of you if you do the right thing. You don’t really believe God’s going to provide for you if you do the right thing, so you take, rather than have faith. Faith is the solution to selfishness.

What’s the solution to self-sufficiency? Humility. Realizing that we are interdependent and we need other people.

Now, the cure for self-condemnation will surprise you. This may not seem like the answer, but we’re going to say it’s gratefulness. Here’s what happens: you start backing into curing self-condemnation when you start thanking God for how He meets your needs. “Wow, I have a job today. I have eyesight today. I still have a roof over my head. My kids are healthy; my wife is alive; my husband’s alive.” You start thanking God for how he’s blessing you, and you kind of back into the thought that I must have worth and value if he keeps meeting my needs. Because James 1 says that all good things come from above.

Now, in our next segment—and our next segment really is the key session—we’ll cover what most couples say has helped them the most. But to give you a little foreshadowing here: what do we do with our needs? Acknowledge that you do have God-given needs, then transfer the ownership of those needs into the hands of an all-knowing, all-loving, all-powerful God. That’s the core quality of meekness, and it leads to self-confidence.

All right. Would you agree we have needs? Yes. Adam’s aloneness proves it; “one another” commands prove it; common sense proves it. Okay. I want to share something with you that’s very powerful, but it’s so simple you’re going to think, “You don’t really charge money as a marriage counselor for that, do you?” Well, yes, I do. But let’s not forget, some of the most profound things in life really are simple.

In theory, saving money: don’t spend more than you make. You know that always works. It never fails. The practice is hard; the theory is simple. I want to suggest intimacy, harmony, and satisfaction in relationships is really that simple in theory. The practice is hard, but here it is. Let’s not forget how simple the theory is: we have needs. When the need of the moment is met, it leads to fulfillment. We have needs; when they’re not met, it leads to frustration.

Now, this would be true of the physical world, would it not? You need a good night’s sleep and a good meal. You get it? How do you feel? Great. You don’t get it? How do you feel? Not so great—cranky, irritable, frustrated. Well, it could also be true of our emotional world, our intimacy world, our relational world. If you need acceptance and attention and affection and you get it, you feel great. You don’t? You feel cranky, irritable, frustrated. So, pursuing meeting the need of the moment is what leads to fulfillment, and we’ve got to avoid frustration that’s caused by unmet needs.

All right, so what happens when our needs are not met? What happens when our needs are not met? You and I have an emotional kettle. And this is going to be where officially our second session starts. Notice “Symptoms of Unmet Needs: The Emotional Kettle.”

You and I have an emotional kettle. It’s designed to experience positive emotions: love, joy, affection, romance. But over time, an unmet need is like a flickering flame beneath this teakettle that causes hurt, tension, pain, and pressure. You need respect; you get disrespect. You’re going to feel hurt. You need attention; you get neglect. Are you going to hurt? Of course you are. And you ought to hurt.

If I reached over and kicked my partner in the knee here, it really should hurt. In fact, if it doesn’t hurt, wouldn’t you think something’s wrong with his knee? If you and I get the opposite of what God designed us to experience, it’s going to hurt. And it ought to hurt.

So, unmet needs lead to hurt. It’s okay to hurt. Hurt leads to disappointment and sadness, as it should. Lucy Craft says, “We will always have a layer of hurt, disappointment, and sadness because we were made for heaven and we’re not there yet.” That’s a good phrase. You and I were made with the capacity to experience something only heaven will provide, and we’re not there yet. We’re always going to feel some hurt, disappointment, and sadness.

Now, it doesn’t have to grow beyond that. But for most of us, it really does grow beyond that. It leads to anger. Anger. What you need to understand—those of us that may struggle with anger—is that anger is not a primary emotion. It’s a secondary emotion, meaning any time you look beneath anger, you can find hurt. And any time you find hurt, you can look beneath it and find one of these 12 needs not met 99% of the time. It’s an amazing list.

So, if you have an angry partner—and I’m fortunate I don’t have an angry partner—but if I sense she is a little bit irritated, I can dissipate her anger in 60 seconds or less every single time if I want to. I don’t always want to, but I’m working on that. Thank you very much. But I don’t respond to her anger. I say, “Wow, Terry, you seem a little upset. Is there a way I’ve hurt you I’ve not yet fully resolved?” “Well, yeah…well, no, no, no, no.” “Oh, this sounds like a need for support.” “You bet it is!” “Well, I can see how you would feel unsupported. I’d feel the same way if you did the same to me.” So, go looking for the unmet need that’s behind the hurt, that’s behind the anger.

Now, the Bible says, “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.” But we let lots and lots of sunsets go down on our anger, don’t we? And it leads to resentment. “I thought I got a good deal; now I’m thinking I got a raw deal, and by golly, now I want a new deal,” right? If we don’t deal with resentment, it grows into bitterness. And that’s an entrenched animosity where we set our sights to get even with people. “You hurt me; I’m gonna hurt you back.”

I know a woman whose husband made three-quarters of a million dollars a year, and they were filing for bankruptcy. Didn’t take long to figure it out. The first seven years they were married, he worked 12-hour days, 14-hour days, seven days a week. He took off two days a year: Christmas and New Year’s. Which of those 12 needs would you say is not being met in her? All of them, beginning with attention.

Any time I see someone that has attention as their number one need, that’s the one that alarms me the most. Because think about it: attention is the first need you have to meet in order to meet any of the others. Right? If I want to give Terry affection, I have to first enter her world—that’s attention. If I want to encourage her, I have to first enter her world and know she’s down. So, attention is the front door you have to walk through to meet all the other needs. So, if attention is not met, chances are none of the others are as well.

She decided she would get his attention. She’d go to the Galleria and spend thousands of dollars a day at “Needless Markup” until he couldn’t pay for it anymore. She was thinking, “If you value money more than me, you’re going to lose both.” Now, she felt guilty about that, which is the next emotion. Why does she feel guilty about that? She was guilty. The Bible says, “Do not seek your own revenge. Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord.” She was seeking her own revenge. “You value money more than me; you’re going to lose both.”

Now, if we don’t deal with true guilt, condemnation often kicks in. True guilt is from the Lord; condemnation is from the devil. True guilt is over what you’ve done; condemnation is over who you are. True guilt is usually specific: “You sinned when you stole money from your employer yesterday at 3:00.” And it suggests a course of action: “You need to take the money back with interest.” That’s how God works: “Here’s what you did wrong; here’s what you need to do to fix it.” The devil doesn’t work that way. It’s more general: “You’re no good. No one will ever love you. God can never use you. Nothing good can come out of this.” It’s not specific. It doesn’t suggest a course of action.

Then the next emotion is fear. Wow, you’ve got to see the connection between hurt and fear. Any time you’re hurt in the past, you now fear being hurt in the future in the same way. Right? If you reach over for affection one night from your spouse and you get rejected, what do you feel? Which emotion? Hurt. The next night, you start to reach over, but just before you do, you remember what happened last night. Now what do you feel? Fear that what happened last night is going to happen again.

Now, if I were the devil and I wanted to rob you of the abundant life, here’s how I would do it. Where do you experience the abundant life: the past, the present, or the future? Where do you experience the abundant life? Only in the present. That’s right. You cannot experience it in the past—why? It’s already gone. You can’t experience it in the future because it’s not here yet. The only time you can experience the abundant life is in the present.

So here’s what the devil does. He gets us kind of caught up in the past. “You know, I’m a little hurt by what they did. I’m kind of worried this may not be addressed, and the more I think about this, I’m really angry about this. And, gosh, I’m kind of fearful this could grow to something really bad. And the more I think about this, it’s just not right. I am bitter, and oh, my gosh, I’ve got so much anxiety. What’s going to happen to our family, our kids, our finances, our health?” Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. The devil has robbed us of the ability to live in the present, thereby robbing us of having the opportunity to experience the abundant life.

Anxiety and resentment kicks in. And then the next thing… Let me make a comment on anxiety about this time. You start thinking, “Wow, how is this going to impact our finances? What’s it going to do to our sleep if we can’t sleep? How is this going to impact our kids if these kids see a marriage model that looks like ours?” And that just leads to further resentment. “Why did I ever agree to marry this person, take this job, move to this city, have these kids?”

Then stress kicks in. The way I look at stress is we have $100 of energy every day. We can spend it all by three in the afternoon, can’t we? And then we start living on Cokes, candy, caffeine—things that just make the problem worse. There is a little room left for positive emotions here, but notice the kettle is mostly filled with what? Negative emotions, pushing out the capacity for the positive emotions. That’s important to see.

In fact, I want to suggest that all that has to happen is that kettle gets filled 51% with negative emotion. And I believe it can literally fill up in 24 hours or less. You know what? We start reading in things that are not even there. I actually had a woman say this once: “I can’t find any hair on my husband’s coat, but that just means he’s dating bald women now.” I mean, we don’t even give them the benefit of the doubt.

Do you ever hear phrases that could be interpreted a good way or a bad way, and it seems to always get interpreted the wrong way? “Where did you get this?” “Me? Why? What’s wrong with it? Why can’t you be grateful? Why don’t you do the cooking if you don’t like what I’m cooking?” “I thought it was the best thing I ever had!” “Well, why didn’t you say so?” “Well, all I said is, ‘Where did you get it?’ You’re the one that added all that other stuff to it!” That’s the kind of arguments that we have when the kettle gets filled 51%. You just start assuming something negative that may not even be there.

Now, this next diagram we don’t really have time to share with you, but it’s just too important to leave out, so we’ll share and we’ll talk really fast. But if you were to bake a cake and taste it and you would say it’s not sweet, you would say it’s missing the ingredient of sugar. You can taste a relationship and see one or more of four ingredients missing.

The first one is affectionate caregiving that says, “I care about you.” If you felt sad when I pretended to lose my place, thinking that I had missed something, then that’s what affectionate caregiving is. “I’m sad; I hurt for you that you’re hurting.”

And then the second one is vulnerable communication that says, “I trust you.” It takes some vulnerability to communicate a need to someone, doesn’t it? Because they could say "No," and you feel rejected.

The third one is joint accomplishment. That’s two people accomplishing something together. A lot of couples have that when they have their first kid. “Look what we did!” Obviously, that takes two. To pull off a political campaign where we win—“Wow, we did it there.” So, it took more than one of us to do that.

Then mutual giving that says, “I love you.” Two people giving; nobody’s taking.

Now, actually, the order of these is very important. It’s hard to do these backwards. It’s like first base, second, third, and home. You can’t run these backwards. If love is meeting a need, isn’t it hard to love someone who won’t need you? “Let me help.” “No, I’m good.” “Let me help you.” “No, no, I got it. I’ll take care of it.” Isn’t it hard to let yourself need someone if you don’t trust them? And isn’t it hard to trust someone that you don’t think cares about your feelings?

Said a different way: hurt is what shuts down affectionate caregiving. Right? If I stole money from you out of your purse or out of your handbag an hour ago, and let’s say the IRS calls me right now and says, “Hey, you cheated the government; we’re closing you down for back taxes.” And I’m sad and I tell you I’m sad, what’s your next response going to be to me if I cheated you out of money? “Tough.” “Uh-huh, that’s what you get. What goes around comes around.” Me hurting you has shut down you caring about my hurt. Isn’t that what we do in relationships? “Well, I’m really hurt by what you did.” “Well, I’m kind of glad you hurt! Now you know how I feel.”

Hurt then leads to what? Fear. Fear. “You hurt me in the past; I now fear you’re going to hurt me in the future.” And fear is what shuts down vulnerable communication. Would you ask me to come help you move if you knew my response was going to be, “Help you move? Break my back for you? No way, man! Hire that dude like I did”? Would you ask me if you knew I was going to say that? No. Why? Rejection. It’s more than “Why would you ask if it’s not going to work?” There’s an emotional reason: rejection. And that’s why we’re not vulnerable—we risk rejection and we fear that.

Okay, then fear leads to this really awful word: self-sufficiency. We think that’s a good word; know that it’s not a good word. God did not design us to be self-sufficient. And it kind of goes something like this: “Well, it’d be nice if I could trust other people, but every time I trust people, they let me down. So, it’s up to me. It’s up to me. I’m just going to pull myself up by my own bootstraps.” And that’s what shuts down joint accomplishment.

Now, this can happen really pretty quickly. Sometimes it takes a little longer to get to the next stage, which is selfishness. But typically what happens is, “I’m tired of being the one that’s burning the candle at both ends. I’m tired of being the one that’s wiping snotty noses and babies’ bottoms. And I’m tired of always giving in to my partner’s wishes. It’s time for me to have a little happiness.” I’m going to start taking, and taking is what shuts down mutual giving. That’s usually a death knell in a relationship—when two people start taking.

Now, notice where the problem started: hurt. Where did our kettle problems start? Hurt. Hurt is a big, big deal. Now, this kettle can only hold so much emotion, right? And pretty soon it’s going to spew like a teakettle into symptoms. And the symptoms are usually why people come to counseling.

People come to counseling because of: physical problems, sleep problems, appetite problems, weight gain, weight loss. “Can’t sleep.” “Not getting restful sleep when I do sleep.”

Another symptom would be loss of energy concentration. You’re driving down the freeway and you miss your exit (and your wife’s not there to tell you, you missed your exit). You get to the mall; you forgot your checkbook. You get home from the grocery store; you forgot what you went to get—the main thing. Just an inability to focus, or sitting at your desk and your mind just wanders.

When you’re hurting—this is a question for the group here—when you’re hurting, what do you most want? Comfort. And we all have our chosen ideas of what we think will give us comfort.

Some people think alcohol is going to give them comfort. If you get the right buzz, you don’t feel your pain. In fact, I’m convinced we’re not really ever going to help those addicted to drugs and alcohol until we get to the root issue. And I think the root issue is dealing with pain and hurt.

But some turn to drugs, legal or illegal. You get the right high; you don’t feel your pain.

Some turn to sex, pornography, food, television, novels, exercise, busyness. It can be bad things; it can be good things that we do just to move us away from our pain.

Then comes a depressed mood. Life’s gloomy. “There’s no hope for me. Feels like I’m hitting on one of six cylinders.”

And, wow, isn’t this a big one: impatience and quick temper. You ever have a $10 issue and you get treated as if it’s $100? And you know those are here when you hear things like, “You always,” “You never,” “I always,” “For just once,” “How come I’m the only one that can put a roll of toilet paper back on the rack?” Well, that one $10 issue just pulled up ten other issues of like kind. And one person’s thinking, “You’re really overreacting to this toilet paper thing,” not realizing there are ten other issues of like kind. Can you see it?

Physical side effects: headaches, heart palpitations, ulcers, gastrointestinal problems. I could also add to the slide here some excessive boundaries. When someone has hurt you, you don’t want to hurt. You start giving them the “Heisman”—keeping them at a distance—overly rigid boundaries to protect yourself.

Now, the worst— The next thing is really the worst thing, but it won’t seem like it. I don’t think the worst thing is the stuff that’s inside the kettle or the symptoms that spew out. Really, the worst thing is just the loss of the positive emotions: love, joy, affection, romance—which is what God designed a couple to experience when he said, “It’s not good for a man to be alone.”

So, how many of you can connect with anything on the slide or handout there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Only would you believe me if I told you I had that slide and handout prepared before we came today? What does that tell you? It’s a pretty common thing. I’ve shown that over 5,000 times, I’m sure.

But what a great way to describe that: we have God-given needs. We live in a fallen world, so people don’t do a good job of meeting the need of the moment. It causes hurt and an avalanche or teakettle of all these other negative emotions. That’s the bad news. Let me share some good news with you: the process of emptying the kettle will draw you closer than you ever were before. Closer than you ever were before.

I have people come to our session, and on day one, they give me a perceived closeness score. If 100 is the closest you’ve ever experienced, tell me where you are right now. And most people come in at 15 or less—not very good. If they empty the kettle, 85% of them score higher than 100 within 18 hours. If they empty the kettle and do all their projects to do it, it’s pretty amazing. Emptying the kettle will draw you closer than you ever were before.

I don’t know all the reasons why, but we know one big reason why. Do you remember in session one I made a big deal out of the need of the moment? You have to meet the need of the moment. What’s the best way to know your partner’s need of the moment? Not the second best—what’s the best? “Ask” is the second best—that’s a good one. You’ve got to ask. Don’t forget to ask. There’s one even better than asking: find out how you most hurt your partner.

If my wife is quiet and I know there’s something wrong, I’ve got a 1-in-12 chance to hit on the need of the moment. That’s not very good odds, is it? I mean, I wouldn’t get on an airplane with a 1-in-12 chance, would you? But if she’ll even tell me the event—“You didn’t take the trash out again”—and we have bigger issues than trash, that’s just the example. (Sure, I have learned I have to say that because I would use that example and people come up: “Carl, I hate to say this, but my spouse and I, we’re having bigger issues than trash. Is this going to work out for us?” Well, we are, too, but I’m just not going to tell you what they are, right?)

But if she’ll even tell me that I didn’t take the trash out, what’s the need of the moment? Support. Now, I’m not exaggerating as much as you think I am when I say this, but I can meet 11 of those needs—A-plus work—but if I miss her need of the moment, there’s still a wall between us. You know what I mean by the wall? But if I meet the need of the moment, I can make a D-minus in the other needs for a short period of time and she thinks I’m a hero. That’s how powerful the need of the moment is. And emptying the kettle will get you there.

I’ve had four orthopedic surgeons tell me if you break a bone and you set it correctly, it will actually grow back stronger in the place where it was once broken. What a beautiful analogy with couples: the process of healing the hurts between you grows you closer than you ever were before.

If you’re watching my video, I want to encourage you to pause the video, download the handout, hand a handout to your partner, to your child, or to your parents, and ask each other: “What’s filling your emotional kettle?” And then I want to challenge you with this very, very hard thing to do, but it will give your spouse or whoever you’ve hurt great encouragement. Let me ask you: if you’ve hurt this other person, do you care? Do you care enough to want to be a part of emptying the kettle? If so, pause the video, grab that person by the hands, look him in the eye, and tell them what you just told me: “I know I’ve hurt you, that I’ve put some hurt in that kettle, and I want to do all I can to empty the kettle.” Do that now.

Welcome back. The good news is the Bible tells us how to empty the kettle. Now, this becomes an overview of what we do in counseling. But most therapists I know start in the wrong place, I think. Look at the top of the kettle: stress is there. “Wow, you’re stressed out! We need to teach you some breathing techniques.” And anxiety: “We’ve got some meds for that.” And condemnation: “Let’s work on your self-image.” And there is a place to work on that—please don’t get me wrong. I’m just saying if you want to empty that kettle in a hurry, drill a hole in the bottom of the kettle, not the top. Start with the hurt, and you’ll be surprised how much those other things come gushing out. And the Bible tells us how to do that.

Hurt: Now, this may not make a lot of sense, but it’s an overview of the process that we would work with the couple for 18 hours. Phase pain and your loss, receive comfort.

Anger: We need to yield our rights, focus on our responsibilities. Forgiveness is important for conquering anger, guilt. 

First communion says, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

Condemnation: The Bible says, “You shall know the truth; the truth will set you free.” And the truth is that there is therefore now no condemnation.

“Perfect love casts out fear. Cast your anxieties upon Christ because he cares for you.” Stress needs to be managed. The point here is that emptying the kettle of negative emotions means the positive emotions will just come back naturally. So, would you commit to emptying your partner’s kettle, your kid’s kettle, your parents’ kettle—anybody that is upset with you because you’ve hurt them? Would you commit to doing all you can to empty that kettle?

So, in session one, we talked about needs. In session two, what happens when our needs are not met? This emotional kettle fills up. I don’t want to imply that you came into a marriage or a relationship with an empty kettle. Chances are childhood hurts helped fill that, or previous marriages, previous dating relationships, or business partnerships caused hurt. But we all have hurt in our kettle, and it affects us today.

Now, unfortunately, what most people at this point want to do is pursue a divorce. I’ve heard a lot of reasons people want a divorce, but it seems like you can categorize them into five categories:

Number one, they have a wrong attitude: “This isn’t what I want anymore. I just don’t want this.” Well, should we want what we want, or should we want what God wants? Jesus didn’t want to go to the cross. He said in 14:36, “All things are possible for me, yet not what I will, but what you will. Please remove this cup, but not what I want.”

Sometimes people are unwilling to suffer for righteousness’ sake: “I’m living in an abusive environment.” Well, I’m sorry to hear that; that’s hard. That’s terrible. You’ve got a difficult situation.

Sometimes people just lack of faith in God’s power: “My partner will never change.” By the way, you know the lie in that statement? The lie is to think that you know the future. You do not know the future. “A leopard can’t change its spots.” Well, Proverbs 21:1 says, “The king’s heart is like channels of water in the hand of the Lord; he turns it wherever he wishes.” That’s the king’s heart. Do you know a river that’s shaped like an “S” over time will be shaped like a backwards “S” as the water erodes the banks? It actually changes direction; it just takes time. Sometimes we’re not willing to give God the time to change the leader’s heart.

Sometimes the fourth reason is that they lack understanding in God’s purposes for tribulation: “Well, I’m just not happy.” Well, “Consider it all joy, my brother, when you encounter first trials, knowing that the testing of your faith is what produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, that you be perfect incomplete, lacking in nothing.”

And five, we lack power to live the Christian life: “I just can’t do this.” Well, you need to learn to appropriate the resurrection power of Jesus Christ. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

So, we have needs. Unmet needs create a kettle. We need to empty the kettle rather than run and head for divorce court. Now, in our third session, we’re going to talk about the number one reason most people can’t empty the kettle. And I hope you’ll stay tuned for the third session because I’m convinced it is the single biggest reason that couples fail or divorce: they lack this all-important truth.

“Lord, help us all to be mindful of the hurts we’ve caused—the kettle of hurt that’s placed in others—and give us the humility and the courage, the initiative and responsibility, to address those hurts and empty the hurts we cost. In Jesus’ name, we pray. Amen.”