Response to Conflict - Lesson 6

Dr. Chuck Coker
Response to Conflict
pc311-06
Strategies That Foster Collaboration
Lesson Transcript

[00:00:00] Welcome back to our final session because I want us to begin to think about how can we become better at dealing with conflict? How can we develop an understanding and a mental attitude that says conflict is good? Well, I think it's important that we build our conflict response skills. We need to continuously foster them so they can grow, and that's going to require some exercise. So what I want you to do is go back to the results of your response to conflict assessment and recall your dominant and fall back styles. Think about your mind map. Think about where you were going to go initially, instinctively, and then how you revert. Instead of just following our default behavior I want us to begin to think about how we can start with the whole concept of being a collaborative partner most of the time. And then, depending on the circumstances, focus on the solution that's best for that particular moment in time. So I want you to take your stronger response style, unless it's collaborative partner. I want you to then use your fallback behaviors. Review part three and part four of this video for tips on how you can better adapt to the actions of a collaborative partner and then choose the tip that seems like the hardest for you to achieve. And then what will work for you? So how are you going to do that? Well, I think the most important thing for you to do is set up some scenarios so that you can begin to practice these things. I'm going to encourage you to write your goals for working through the Smart Plan process to help you identify what types of response modes you can go to and when they're most appropriate. [00:02:44][164.6]

[00:02:46] So let's look at the SMART format. The S stands for specific. It doesn't mean I want to be better at conflict. What it means is that you want to find a way to trigger your thoughts to be more specific, because written down goals are four times more likely to be achieved. And SMART goals in this format are ten times more likely than those that are written down. So if we use this SMART format, your concepts can literally anchor your goal in dealing and becoming better in conflict 40 times better than just having the idea in your head. So let's talk about SMART goals and break each one down so that you understand it and can actually apply it. And then we'll tell you and give you some examples for how a SMART goal can help you deal with conflict. [00:04:08][82.6]

[00:04:10] First of all specific, what exactly do you want to accomplish? What's your goal? Be precise and avoid ambiguity. Specific statements begin with I will Now. Our example just a minute ago is I want to be a good mom. I will be a good mom by reading to my children at least 3 to 4 nights a week. That's very specific. [00:04:41][31.9]

[00:04:44] Now let's go to Measurable. How are you actually going to do it? How are you going to achieve your goal? What are the steps you will need to take? Break them down into measurable milestones along the way. I'm going to be a good mom by reading to my children three or four nights a week. So that means on Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Sunday nights, I am going to read a chapter from The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe to my kids. [00:05:22][38.8]

[00:05:26] Let's move on now to attainable. When does this fit into your schedule? Where do these steps fit on your calendar? And trust me, if it's not on your calendar, it won't happen. Be realistic. So I'm going to be a good mom by reading to my children three or four days a week, which will be Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. But I'm going to do that after they have their baths from eight until 9:00 each night. Now we know where it is on the calendar and it becomes a rhythm and a routine. And let me tell you, that is so important for children. It's the same reason why a child quits crying when you pick them up out of the bed and you hold them tight because there was security when they were in mom's tummy. And that embracing gives them that confidence. [00:06:29][63.8]

[00:06:31] Now, what's important about relevant? Why is this important to you? Prepares you to defend your answer. And if you can't defend your answer, it's not going to be important. This is the most critical step in the process. If you struggle with your why, you should probably choose a different what? So you have to think about why is this important to you? And if you want to be a good mom by reading Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Sunday nights from eight until nine, it may be because my parents never read to me. I never had that face to face time with my parents. And I want to make sure that I do that. [00:07:28][56.2]

[00:07:29] So timely. When will you complete your objective? And for our example, right now, we're going to use this, say, in a 90 day goal. And there's no unrealistic goals. According to Zig Ziglar, there's just unrealistic deadlines. So if we don't set those deadlines, we'll never actually get it done. So here's the way this is going to look. I have 13 weeks during a three month period of time. Well, there are 24 chapters in this book. So with 13 weeks, 24 chapters, that means you're going to have to read at least two chapters a week. So what is the goal and what is the objective? So 24 chapters need to be read in 13 weeks. So you divided up about half a chapter a sitting. So that way you now have the ability to miss several times because life is going to get in the way. You give yourself just a little bit of a fudge factor because there's going to be emergencies. There's going to be things that drop in the plan. Give yourself a little bit of a break. Here's the one thing about any goal that you set. Set it to stretch you a little bit, but not to stress you. The best SMART goals consider both your strengths and your weaknesses. So look at your behavioral and your mindset makeup and identify which things might keep you from achieving those SMART goals. [00:09:30][120.2]

[00:09:32] So let's identify them. I'm going to review them again for you because I want to make sure that you understand it. First of all, review those behavior mindset assessments. What are some of the things that people like you struggle with? If you are a very subjective person. Then you may be distractible and not get to those sessions each week. That's why you want them on the calendar. Which aspect might cause weaknesses and how is that going to impact you? And is your job duties going to correspond with any of these aspects? So you have to look at yourselves and make sure that you understand that. What are some of your strengths? You love your kids. You want to be with them. If you have that high aesthetic and that high social, then you are going to want to bring your ideals to bear with your children. [00:10:46][73.8]

[00:10:47] We draw on those things to help us achieve our goals. So now what I'd like for you to do is go to the page in your study guide with the graphic on it that illustrates the SMART Goals box. I'd like for you to pull out your behaviors and your mindset assessment results and begin to summarize your strength. If you're a high D, you have a sense of urgency. If you are a high D, that sense of urgency may cause a weakness, like I put too much on my plate. So fill out the summary of your strengths and your weaknesses, because I want those to be in front of you. When you look at your specifics, measurable, attainable, relevant, and timely so that you have an idea of what might actually interfere. Now, here's what I can tell you. Each time that you do this SMART plan, it's going to get a little bit better. [00:11:55][67.8]

[00:11:56] Now, let's let's talk about that, how it actually applies to conflict. Each and every time your ministry gets together, there are going to be some challenges. It may be if you're in a church, somebody is going to complain about something and they get all frustrated and they decide they want to leave the church. It may be the way that you communicate if you're on a street ministry with another person and they decide to go the wrong way. Whatever the goal is in dealing with conflict, bring it to the group the next time you meet. Tell specifically what you would like to accomplish and what are some of the measurables that you can use to accomplish that at your weekly meeting. And it's relevant because you want to reach more people for the cause of Christ. And the timely is that I want to make sure that I meet, discuss and illustrate all five options of the conflict styles and how to deal with them. In this way, your ministry can have living examples of how to deal with conflict five different ways. Remembering that collaboratively is most often the best approach you can use. [00:13:39][102.3]

[00:13:40] Now. Let's bring this all together here in the conclusion. Conflict. Is something that is hard. For most people. We know that over 70% of people struggle with conflict because they're conflict averse. But because we are different people, because we have different behaviors and mindsets. There is going to be diversity in any group of people that we are around, and yet it is that diversity that makes us stronger. So we have to decide what it is we want to fight about. And we have to know that there are triggers out there that are going to make that happen. So we have to decide what is important and what we can learn from that because there is significant value in conflict. Conflict helps us learn, helps us grow and helps us develop ourselves into the people that Christ intended us to be. But we also learn that conflict can be de-escalated if we do things properly, because not everything can be handled collaboratively. So we can de-escalate based on the type of conflict that we're facing. And from that we can actually learn from the conflict. We can grow, We can develop and we can acquire skills today by the creation of a personal development plan where we literally, literally practice how to deal with conflict based on what we face in our ministry. So when conflict emerges and you have doubts about how to respond, refer to your SMART goals, find the best response style and get as much out of the situation as you can. [00:16:19][158.8]

[00:16:21] And remember that healthy conflict can bring your team to the next level. Because without conflict, we don't grow. [00:16:21][0.0]