Forgiveness by Dr. Ron Toews
This seminar is presented by Ron Toews, a Therapist and Life Transition Coach practicing in Vancouver Canada. He has served on the Oasis Retreats team for fifteen years, helping more than a thousand Christian leaders in life and ministry transitions. Ron has recently co-founded Brighter Life Solutions, an online community dedicated to helping parents build their child's character for success in our increasingly challenging world. If you are a parent wanting to set your kids up for success in life, click on the link below to get this free blueprint on forgiveness and parenting.
Transcriptions by Phil Smith (BT Ambassador)
Ron Toews introduces the topic forgiveness, commenting on why we need to talk about it, what happens when we choose not to forgive, and when we do choose to forgive. The themes are "Justice" (what I want for others when I am wronged) and "Mercy" (what I want from others when I do them wrong. The past cannot be changed, but our present and future are set in place by our choices. Forgiveness is not about being nice; it is about not letting the past control our present and future.
When we decide not to forgive, our future is pretty fixed. It will narrow our possibilities and will be followed by bitterness and destruction. Ron also discusses what forgiveness is not, and when forgiveness is not relevant.
The more intimate the relationship, the more risk that is involved, and the more likelihood that forgiveness is going to be part of the picture. A pivotal concept is that pain and anger are not the message, just the messenger. When our lives develop cracks, the light of God is able to shine in a heal us. Ron covers the powerful example of a tennis ball. It is relatively small, but when we bounce it around the room it takes up alot of space. Likewise, when we rumninate about the past, when we reherarse the hurts, they take up bigger and bigger areas of our lives, and the past was never meant to be in charge of our lives.
When we are hurt, the anger rises. This is okay; anger is just the messenger that there is danger, it is an internal emotion and not the outward behavior. But what we need to do is step away from the event, calm down, and then deal with the actual event and the real issues. Painful things want to distract us, but they aren’t suppose to be in charge of your life. Rather, we should not blast off but rather manage our emotions. We walk in the same direction, day after day, and eventually we will reach our destination.
Once we have experienced pain, we have to get the intensity down and then come back and handler the event. Ron suggests a sample set of questions. (1) Tell the person what it was like for you. (2) Then ask the other person what the event was like for them. Remember, the behavior is the mesenger, not the message. The message is what you need to get to.
There are different levels of relationship, and with each comes a different level of vulnerability and risk. How you deal with forgiveness depends on which level your relationship with the other person is. A key issue in forgiveness is the level of the person's relationship and how that affects how you pursue forgiveness.
The process of forgiving someone follows a specific format, depending on whether they repent or not. But regardless of what the other person does, you can still forgive. But it may not mean the restoration of the relationship.
Questions and answers about what forgivness looks like in specific situations.